PlatKat.com: May 2006

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Big Two-Five-Point-Five

That's right, I'm 25 and a half today. Man, I'm growing up fast! I was hoping to celebrate this very special day with a night of quarter shots and disco dancing, but instead I went home, sorted some mail, and passed out watching "Law and Order" before the sun went down. Now I'm awake, and will be for awhile. My circadian rhythm will be all fucked up once again, rendering me nearly useless all day tomorrow.

Happy twenty-five-and-a-halfth birthday to me!

posted by platkat @ 11:59 PM 2 million people love The Kat

Monday, May 29, 2006

f.katstavo

Gus and I had a party to celebrate our move to New York. The t-shirts were a lovely surprise. The "f" was a controversial mystery. The copious amounts of alcohol solved everything.

All the photos are here, but I wanted to call special attention to Brian's great ball of fire.

posted by platkat @ 1:58 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Friday, May 26, 2006

More Dead Birds

I went outside to use the phone and found not one, but two dead birds. It's a lucky day!

They weren't so close together at first. I had to do some arranging. Also, I found a hatched egg, the white thing placed between them. Two dead birds and an empty egg must mean something to someone somewhere.

I liked this particular bird, so I took some more shots.

I hope not to be accused of disrespecting the dead for this last one.

This would make a good poster for an anti-cannibalism campaign.

posted by platkat @ 5:11 PM 1 million people love The Kat

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Back to Square One

So maybe I was too quick to write that last blissful little blog post there. I guess yesterday was a good day, but things are certainly not better. Amidst the torrents of crap swirling around me, most of which I'll admit is a product of my overactive and underproductive brain synapses, I got a ticket for running a stop sign just outside my office today. There's nothing like getting barked at by a motorcycle cop to give you one more reason to pack up all your stuff and move to Manhattan.

I honestly wonder what goes through these people's minds while they're hollering like Neanderthals. Is it something that you can turn on and off, or are you just born like that? Maybe there's a giant class of 21st century cavemen out there, none of whom I've ever known personally (except one, sort of), that fill the world's need for cops, gym teachers, and security guards. Are you a big dude that likes to yell a lot for no reason? You're hired!

How do these people have families?

"SWEET HEART. YOU WILL GO TO THE STORE AND PURCHASE 3 12-OUNCE CANS OF PEAS!!!"

How do they spend a night out?

"LARGE POPCORN AND TWO MEDIUM COKES. YOU WILL GIVE ME EXTRA BUTTER!!!"

And most importantly, how's the love life?

"YOU ARE SEXY. I WILL REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING NOW!!!"

What sucks about all this is that I couldn't talk my way out of the ticket like the old days. I'm seriously slipping. I used to relish getting pulled over so I could practice my charming powers of persuasion under pressure. With this simple-minded soldier, I shouldn't have even had to talk at all. But clearly, my eyelash-batting days are over. Good thing I'm moving to a place where no one gives a shit what you do with your eyelashes unless they plan to pound your face in.

I am further dismayed to report that this incident was the back-breaking straw that caused me to blatantly disregard one of my most hard-nosed, steadfast rules: Do not cry at work.

I cried at work.

Unfortunately, my tears were triggered after the cop had written the ticket. As he was writing the ticket, I tried to make light of the situation by calling a coworker and telling him to look out the window. I figured the camaraderie might help my spirits a bit. However, I received slightly more "camaraderie" than I was hoping for, as I learned that several more of my colleagues had joined my friend at the window.

Normally, I'd just continue goofing off, but I'm in a fragile state right now. I need to get the hell out of here.

posted by platkat @ 1:33 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Heavy Day

Most days just kind of slip by... you do your thing, go home and do it some more, and let yourself fall into whatever pattern seems suitable based on the last time something big happened. And then there are days like today, when you talk to a lot of people you don't normally talk to, say a lot of things you wouldn't normally say, and through it all, feel somewhat hopeful, like you made some progress or something. As Ice Cube so eloquently stated, "Today was a good day. Shit."

posted by platkat @ 11:59 PM 1 million people love The Kat

Land Ownership

PlatKat: I just peed in my parents' backyard. does that make it mine?
kentyman23: fuck yeah
kentyman23: congrats on your new backyard, btw
PlatKat: thank you!
PlatKat: it took a lot of hard work, but now its all mine!
kentyman23: if that backyard is yours, then I own a 14 year old girl
PlatKat: ha! that's golden
kentyman23: like my shower
PlatKat: ohhhh!
kentyman23: ZING!

posted by platkat @ 4:18 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Damn Skippy, I Show Off My Bruised Knees

That's right, I have two giant blue and purple bruises nearly covering the surface of both my knees. My annoyance upon receiving them turned to anger, and my anger turned to laughter, and my laughter turned to derangement. Fuck it--I'm wearing a skirt and working these beauties around town. Why hide your aberrations when you can use them to keep people guessing? Is Gus's kind, demure personality just a facade for a brutally violent inner wife-beater? Did I get punched by a midget? Did I renew my subscription for Floggings Weekly, and receive the special "joints" issue? Did Tonya Harding grow jealous of my fame, beauty, and talent and decide to put a hit out on me? Too much PRAYING?! HAHAHAHAHA! You'll never know where these nasty knee deformations came from, but be sure of one thing, you'll be seeing a lot of them in the next four to six weeks.

Everyone should always show off their bruised knees!!

posted by platkat @ 12:12 PM 1 million people love The Kat

Saturday, May 13, 2006

The only thing better than a big ol' plate of sausage links, barbecue beans, taters 'n slaw and all the condiments you can dump on them in the middle of the day is tasting them over and over for the rest of the afternoon through a series of earth-shattering belches.

It's true. Texas barbecue is the gift that keeps on giving.

posted by platkat @ 5:41 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Damn Skippy, I Rock Out While I'm Driving in the Car

That's right, as long as music exists, it will be blasting at full volume through my factory-standard Monsoon speakers, except for the left rear one that I blew out last year but never fixed, and I will be rocking out to it. My favorite rap hits from the 90s, slammin' punk rock, diva house music... It doesn't matter. Even if I only know half the words, I'm singing along, and probably dancing too. Bjork comes on, I'm mimmicking every word, pant, moan, and scream. Classic oldies? I'm totally croonin'. What if there are no words? Ha! I'll make my own, or sing along with the guitar wah-wahs and kicking basslines. I don't care if the top is down with all the windows open and I'm on a crowded highway in stopped traffic, my car is a fucking party. If my steering wheel could talk, it would cry from being drummed on all the time. I may look strange, but it's more fun than turning on the radio just so you can ignore it and stare vacantly down the road waiting to get rolled by a semi. Learn how to listen to music, fuckers!

Everyone should always rock out while they're driving in the car!!

posted by platkat @ 11:09 AM 2 million people love The Kat

Damn Skippy, I Put Ice in My Milk

That's right, nothing's colder than ice* and nothing's better than a cold glass of skim milk if you're in the mood to consume dairy products. Everyone knows that milk gets nasty-warm like five seconds after you take it out of the fridge, and warm milk is the most disgusting thing you can drink, unless you're one of those people who likes to mix peanut butter, V8, jalepenos, Worcestershire sauce, white-out, dog vomit, and lighter fluid in a blender and dare your little brother to drink it. Not that I know anything about that; I don't even have a brother. But I do have a need for ice-cold milk, and the only thing that makes it ice-cold is ice. You can't complain about the ice watering it down, since you'll drink it faster if it's cold, and skim milk is practically water anyway. If you're drinking 2% or whole milk, the melting ice is even better because it will dilute it so it will taste like skim, which is clearly the best of all milks. Yeah, I said it: milks.

Everyone should always put ice in their milk!!

*Actually, that's not right. Anyone with a periodic table and a basic understanding of melting points knows that. But I guess the advertising folks at Dentyne weren't crazy about the slogan, "Nothing that humans can consume without burning off their tastebuds is colder than ice." Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Pun totally intended.

posted by platkat @ 11:02 AM 0 million people love The Kat

Friday, May 12, 2006

Where Are My Pants?

I ask that question way more than any normal person should.

This time, I'm wearing pants and looking for other pants, so that's good I guess.

posted by platkat @ 6:09 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Damn Skippy, I Took the Last Donut

That's right, there was one donut left and I took it. I don't care if you saw me. Like 10 people saw me and they didn't say shit. And no, I didn't try to be all nice and break it in half, just in case someone who wanted a donut was slacking on their arrival time. Breaking the last donut is the dumbest, wussiest thing that people in offices across America do, and I'm not getting on that bandwagon. No one wants your stupid donut-half. They wanted their own donut, but you got there first. They'll understand if you eat the whole thing. They sure as hell aren't going to eat the last donut-half. You can't tell whether it's been bitten into, or if someone broke it, or if their hands were dirty, or what. So yeah, I took the last donut, and I'm not apologizing.

Everyone should always take the last donut!!

posted by platkat @ 3:26 PM 1 million people love The Kat

Damn Skippy, I Take My Sidekick to the Bathroom

That's right, I loves me some gadgets, and most importantly, I love my Sidekick. It's called a Sidekick because it should be with you at all times, and that includes when you're in the bathroom. Even if it's the grossest bathroom you've ever used in your life. No, ESPECIALLY if it's the grossest bathroom you've ever used in your life. Because when you take an emergency shit in the external bathroom of a gas station on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, you've gotta let someone know immediately. Only the superior text messaging capabilities of a phone the size and shape of a gameboy advance will get you through that mess. Also, it's a great way to multitask without actually doing anything.

Everyone should always take their Sidekick to the bathroom!!

posted by platkat @ 3:25 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Damn Skippy, I Bought 10 Things for 5 Bucks at Claire's

That's right, whenever I'm in a mall or on the street, and I see that stupid store with its stupid sign boasting the same stupid deal, I go in to take a look and I walk out with no less than 10 items. Hells yeah, I got a talking Sponge Bob doll for 50 cents, then turned around and sold it at a garage sale in mint condition for a cool four bucks. I got rollerskates... rollerskates. Even though they're a size too small and have remained in the dark recesses of my closet for the last 2 years, who cares? They were 50 cents, and if my feet ever shrink, it will be SO worth it. So maybe I don't have a use for a bulletin board with felt bananas and a monkey attached to it. Maybe I don't need an orange jewel-encrusted mini-stapler. Maybe I don't need a pen with a fuzzy soccer ball on top of it, arm-warmers with flames on them, studded leather wristbands, happy bunny magnet clips, or sparkly picture frames. But hey, it's 5 bucks. You spend that much on parking, but instead you could be buying 10 things. TEN. Do the math, people.

Everyone should always buy 10 things for 5 bucks at Claire's!!

posted by platkat @ 3:24 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Damn Skippy, I Saw John Breyer at Freebirds and Didn't Say Hi

That's right, I walked into Freebirds, ordered a big freakin' Moster with chicken on a spinach tortilla, and met eyes with John Breyer as I sat down to engulf my meal. Did I say hi? Fuck no! He didn't say hi, so I sure as hell wasn't going to. So what if he used to be my boyfriend's boss, or that his wife used to be my boss's boss, or that we were all in the midst of massive corporate politics and backstabbing and there was nothing we could do about it. I think they're corporate whores. They think I'm just a whore. Well, that's just fine with me because this is one whore who isn't saying hi to you!

Everyone should always see John Breyer at Freebirds and not say hi!!

posted by platkat @ 3:23 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Saturday, May 06, 2006

It Is Better to Travel than to Arrive

I don't know if it's necessarily better, but it's definitely more interesting. Once again, where have I been?

Oklahoma
A few Fridays ago, I flew up to Oklahoma City to see Gus after his business trip. A quick, weekend-warrior flight was my plan, and everyone else's. The gate was packed. Still, why stand when you can sit? I found an empty chair and plopped down in it.

"Excuse me. Someone is sitting there," a waify blond woman in her thirties informed me. Her tone implied that I should have known this even though there was nothing indicating that the seat was occupied. So, I muttered a half-assed apology and scooted to the next seat, which I made an extra effort to be sure was not taken.

Moments later, blondie's friend comes back and blondie exclaims something to the effect of, "It's just so crowded in here! And people were trying to take your seat!"

I politely turned to the woman and said, "Once again, I'm sorry, I didn't know the seat was taken." And before I even got that sentence out, her friend goes, "She's kidding! She's just kidding!"

Ha, I should have known. That was fucking hilarious. Does she have her own comedy routine? Maybe a late night cable show? Actually, I'd be really interested in hearing some more of her material if it's as high-quality as that little gem.

It's amazing how enough people think that bleaching your hair out and making yourself vomit after every meal somehow entitles you to a free pass to act like a fucking cunt rag. I am continually amazed in general that people say really rude stuff to complete strangers, stuff that isn't clever or witty at all, and honestly believe in their own shriveled underused waste of brains that it can somehow be contrived as a joke.

On the plane, this shitfaced old woman sat down next to me. She looked like she'd spent a few too many days in the sun and had no intentions of letting up. She wore the kind of sundress you buy in the beach for ten bucks and looks like it's made of rags.

From Dallas to OKC, all she could talk about is how much American Airlines sucks. She ordered a glass of vodka (as she had brought her own Red Bull aboard the plane) and spilled half of it on my feet. Then she went into this huge diatribe about how Southwest is better because they sing songs to you when you land and the flight attendants are nice. Apparently, she'd gotten into it with an American Airlines flight attendant who failed to serve her an alcoholic beverage. I couldn't imagine how such a thing could ever happen. (However, after recently receiving this e-mail from American Airlines regarding a traveling debacle from a month ago, I'm about ready to give up on those assholes too.)

She also got into this long-winded speech about how she only buys 400 thread count sheets because the quality is so much better. I guess it was an attempt at a normal, non-controversial discussion, but it just supported my growing case that the woman was a motherfucking psycho. I humored her anyway because making fun of the junk they sell in Sky Mall by yourself just isn't the same.

OKC was just how I left it. Hot, flat, and full of warm, squishy feelings that only I seem to have for the place. I got into a chat with this buffalo. I think he had a tendency to exaggerate.

New York
We spent a weekend in the city, hanging out mostly in Manhattan. Something about the trip reminded me of our city's cute little saying, "Keep Austin Weird." Austin is weird in a "My shoes are mismatched and I'm carrying a multicolored umbrella" sort of way. New York is weird in a "Strapped to a piss-stained matress and locked in an asylum, screaming your head off at the miscellaneous bloody limbs on the floor" sort of way. Let's not forget that, shall we?

We were on Canal Street when we saw this huge anti-war protest:

So we joined it:

Chicago
I went to the O'Hare Airport twice. I miss Chicago. *sniffle*

Toledo
Oh no, not this shit again. Oh yes, this shit... again. I worked four times as hard and had one-fourth of the fun that I had the last time I went, and that's being generous.

The big pitfall of my last trip there was that we all kept getting lost because Ohio is a satellite location of hell on earth and it's impossible to navigate. I didn't get lost at all until I reached the most important time ever to know exactly where you're going: the time that you get to go home. I overshot the airport on 80/90 and found myself on my way to Cleveland. Not awesome. I nearly started crying in my little rented Chevy Cobalt that I could only make go about 80 mph.

I ended up getting to the airport with about five minutes to spare. Just enough time to get eggs and bacon on a biscuit. Although my lateness was due to the fact that I was in such a podunk shithole in the first place, I was glad that I was leaving from a podunk shithole airport, since anywhere larger wouldn't have let me on the flight that late. I guess things have a way of working out in the end.

iPod Status: Unopened.

*The title of this post came from a book I'm reading, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which I temporarily put down because I found it to be self-absorbed and uninteresting. I decided to give it another chance, and now I'm lovin' it.

posted by platkat @ 3:01 PM 0 million people love The Kat

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