PlatKat.com: April 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Holier Than Thou

I was having a pretty boring day, so this afternoon I got ordained as a minister at the Universal Life Church. As the site says, I can now perform wedding ceremonies, baptisms, house blessings, and any other ritual or ceremony, AND I can start my own ministry. Having all these new authorizations really spiced up my day.

This all happened not a moment too soon, as my friend at work (who takes religious rites very seriously) is in need of a charismatic clergyperson like myself to preside at her wedding. Now that I carry the authentic credentials to perform such a task, it is only natural that I graciously offer my services. As I am clearly a definitive authority in all matters concerning strong, long-lasting, unbreakable commitments and have the quality expertise to counsel young couples in such matters, I will probably start my own wedding business in the near future, charging a small fee in the neighborhood of eight thousand dollars and a trip to Honduras.

Since this will be my first wedding, I've gotta admit that I'm a little nervous. There are a bunch of books and kits I can buy, but in the end I'm gonna totally cheap out and just wing it. Every wedding is different, so no one will think I'm doing anything wrong when I show up in a Hawaiian mumu and recite the words to "All the Way" by Frank Sinatra.

*cry* So beautiful! The only thing better than a wedding is a funeral.

posted by platkat @ 8:24 PM 4 million people love The Kat

Came across the word "infinitesimal" in a document I'm revising.

*shudder*

Also, I have been working at this company for exactly six months. I emptied my recycle bin in the mailroom for the first time. It is a crazy whirlwind of activity here, I tell ya.

posted by platkat @ 10:55 AM 1 million people love The Kat

Monday, April 24, 2006

"So do you have wings or what?"

posted by platkat @ 5:25 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Friday, April 21, 2006

Braces: A Photo Essay

Twenty-one days ago, I woke up very early to see my orthodontist. After filling out some paperwork, I killed some time in the waiting room with my camera phone.

I was led into the torture chamber where a bunch of nice assistants prepped me for my impending doom. I was wearing a 40s-era cardigan from my grandmother, so one of the assistants loaned me a smock.

They reclined my chair and stuck a bunch of junk in my mouth to keep it open. My gag reflex didn't like this, so I don't know why I look somewhat happy in this picture.

After what seemed like 100 years, they finally got the bottom row in. It hurt like hell, so here I am, simultaneously Brakkin' out while maintaining the genuine afflicted look of a wounded animal. "How could you do this to me?"

They put the top ones on and I went straight to Starbucks to reward myself with a frapuccino. I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to do this. My teeth weren't awesome, but they weren't bad. I thought the braces would at least make me look cute in a little-girlish way, but instead I just looked like I had a lot of gunk in my mouth. Also, while it's fun to feed the fetish, it would be nice to be taken seriously during the other 23 hours of the day when I'm not having sex. It's kinda silly, but I made a real effort not to show teeth when I smiled.

Seriously, I look and feel like a fucking teenager now. There are many facets to this behavior, but the braces sure aren't helping. It's kind of sad knowing that for at least the next year, my milkshake will no longer bring all the boys to the yard. There will be no teaching, and therefore, I will not have to charge.

After about a week and a half, I decided to seize the day. I wore braids, a cute outfit, and a giant brace-face smile. "Hi, I'm Kat, and I'm 12 years old... like it."

Later that day I found a feather and stuck it in my hair so I looked like some kind of cracked-out child of Pocahontas. When I met my friends for dinner that night, they seemed more amused than surprised. I got a bunch of you-look-really-young comments, and then the waitress carded me. Just me. I looked at her with really wide eyes and asked, "Why?" Luckily she had a sense of humor.

Only 344 more days to go...

posted by platkat @ 6:42 PM 4 million people love The Kat

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Not on the Shopping List... Buying Anyway

I'm so happy that HEB has such a fabulous assortment of everyday household items. With Gus being out of town for the next couple of days, I'm going to have to stock up!

(I just keeding! Aye Dios mio...)

posted by platkat @ 4:47 PM 3 million people love The Kat

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Katstavo 3

Congratulations, us! Last weekend, Gus and I celebrated our third year of blissful alternative living in sunny Austin, Texas. Making this event extra-special were visits from some of our out-of-town friends, namely Jim and Adrienne, who hail from Oklahoma, my college friend Kevin, who was lucky enough to escape Houston for an evening, and our friend Leshia, who lives in Toronto now. Hoot!

So... I'm always really surprised when a lot of people show up, and even more so when they show up with STUFF! April made us the most badass cakes in the world (see above), and beyond tasting great, they had toys on them. Toys! And there were Peeps, which don't taste so good after you barbecue them, we learned. Since it was close to Easter, Brent and Jen hid eggs with stickers, jelly beans, and chocolate all over the house. Also, there were bunny ears. Miranda brought tasty coleslaw, chocolate-covered strawberries, and her new boyfriend. Sweet. Sarah and Erik brought their new baby, the most chilled-out child that ever lived, I believe. It's also the only child that has entered our house since we've owned it. Amy continued to wow me with her cooking expertise as she set up shop in the kitchen to prepare portabella mushrooms and vegetables to barbecue. And Kent got a crash course in white wine when he ventured out to pick up a bottle of my favorite, Luna di Luna. Other assorted alcoholic beverages were in abundance as well, and thanks to everyone who made that possible, from every part of me but my liver.

I'm sure I forgot to give someone a shout. D'oh in advance.

There were also a ton of people there that I haven't mentioned by name who I was of course thrilled to get a chance to yakkity yak with. And a bunch of people brought friends, which was also awesome. Until proven wrong, I always assume that if we have the good taste to be friends with each other, then you'll have the good taste to be friends with cool people... with whom I'd also like to be friends. Make sense? No? Well then, I'll just say, I can't believe how lucky I am to know so many extremely cool, friendly people. Every time I have a party I am reminded of this, and it keeps getting better. It's just amazing. *sniffle*

I took some pictures of the early crowd. After about half of the guests showed up, I became unable to operate light, uninteresting machinery. Stuff kept happening, but like me, no one was interested in documenting it. C'est la vie.

Well, that's it in an Easter egg. Once again, I was worried about throwing a party on a holiday weekend, and once again, it was a success. I guess you shouldn't mess with success. See you on Thanksgiving!

posted by platkat @ 9:02 AM 1 million people love The Kat

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Meep Meep

After enjoying a 3pm Saturday brunch, my friends and I encountered a roadrunner in the Z-Tejas parking lot.

As with all land-roaming birds, my first instinct was to chase it. I don't know why I still feel this way, as my home of Illinois is also home to some of the meanest geese you ever seen. Also, when I was a stupid kid (rather than a stupid adult), I managed to catch a baby duck as its mother and siblings fled. It was pretty cool for about three seconds. Then I asked myself the all important question, What the hell am I going to do with this? and let it go. Mama duck hung out and yelled at me the whole time I had it, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't too excited about taking care of it after I'd touched it. Either way, it's dead now.

So I took off semi-chasing this stupid bird. Then, out of nowhere, this anvil dropped out of the sky and fell perfectly square on my head. I was flat as a pancake! But that didn't stop me from taking this picture as it continued to scuttle away from me, pausing to make sure I was ready for his next diabolical scheme.

Seeing that I was not giving up, the roadrunner painted a tunnel on the side of a boulder while I wasn't looking. I did however see him run through the tunnel, so I broke into a full sprint to follow him. Unfortunately, I soon found I had charged into the side of a boulder and was pancaked once again.

At that point, I was really pissed off. That feathered fucker foiled me twice! He probably thought the third time would be a charm and that he'd finally be rid of me. I watched him attempt to run (er, fly) off the edge of a cliff (er, railing) in hopes that I would chase him. But instead of walking in mid-air as he can, I would fall to certain doom (the woods behind Z-Tejas). Not me! Not this time! I snapped my last picture and retreated to the air-conditioned car that awaited me. Us coyotes have come a long way, baby.

posted by platkat @ 6:46 PM 2 million people love The Kat

Friday, April 14, 2006

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

posted by platkat @ 12:15 PM 1 million people love The Kat

Cardinals

Since I was really excited about today (and really exhausted from yesterday), I woke up at 5am this morning and began my hour and a half of physical hell earlier than usual. When I was through, I enjoyed a nice, pre-dawn walk with Zoey through the park.

The sky was a few beautiful shades of purple, and the air was filled with sounds of birds chirping. The most noticable of them was that of a cardinal sitting at the top of a tree right at the beginning of our walk. With his bold colors and shrill cry, he was seriously on the prowl.

A little further down the path was another cardinal. Same deal: top of a tree, tweeting his head off, presumably looking for action. Well, it's springtime. Everyone should be datin' and matin' (but if they're human, not procreatin').

And further still, a third cardinal had strategically placed himself at the top of yet another tree, announcing his availability to the world. So I began to wonder about the population of female cardinals in my neighborhood. I was also thinking that they may have better luck if they join forces and go cruisin' for chicks together like guys do when they go to bars in hopes of jocking some random drunk sluts. But if adult male cardinals go cruisin for chicks, does that make them pedophiles?

posted by platkat @ 9:40 AM 1 million people love The Kat

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Checking for Feet

When you're in a public bathroom stall and not sure if you're the only one in the entire bathroom, do you check for feet?

I may end up cross-posting this question because I'm really curious (at least from the girls' perspective) as to whether or not it is a common practice. Checking for feet is simply lowering one's head just below the level of the side of the stall but far enough over the sometimes skanky floor, just to see who else might be in there. I want to find out how many other people do this so I can determine whether or not I should stop before I awkwardly meet eyes with another feet-checker someday.

I am a periodic feet-checker, meaning I don't check for feet every time I go to a public bathroom. I'd say maybe one in ten visits involve a feet-checking of some type.

Times when I would check for feet include, but are not limited to the following:
-I hear a noise, and am not sure if it came from within the bathroom or not
-I'm about to make a noise, and want to see if I have an audience
-Someone in the bathroom definitely made a noise, and I want to see if I know the performer

I'm not sure what feet-checking frequencies and justifications say about a person. I would venture to guess that a chronic feet-checker is very insecure, or, if they would behave the same way no matter what they found when they checked for feet, perhaps simply very curious. Someone who doesn't check for feet at all may be at ease with their bodily functions, but could also be censoring themselves before they know whether they are alone or not.

Is checking for feet a good idea? It is for me, but you shouldn't do it. I'd prefer to maintain my own feet-checking practices without worrying about the possibility of yours ruining them. OK? OK.

posted by platkat @ 2:58 PM 4 million people love The Kat

Monday, April 10, 2006

YES YES YES!

Okay, so I'm just kind of excited. I was supposed to go to Henderson County (Athens, TX) for Run-Off Election Day support. Normally, I love traveling, but I have a zillion things to do at the office this week and didn't feel like driving over four hours each way just to watch people tabulate some votes. When I first heard of this impromptu arrangement, I put off booking travel and tried to pretend like this wasn't happening.

After putting many a bug in many an ear, I have proved that the best way to handle an undesirable situation is pure and simple procrastination. My boss reassigned someone else to the county so I don't have to go.

Although I would have found a way to make everything work, I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I'll still be helping out on Election Day, but I'll be doing it here at the Help Desk where I can do my work, almost as if it were a normal, albeit long, day in the office.

I've been on a pretty fortunate streak lately. I'm even feeling pretty good about it continuing for awhile. Because Kat Taylor gets what she wants, bitches!!!

posted by platkat @ 9:24 AM 0 million people love The Kat

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hot to Trot

Today I got this random IM from some dude:

He: love the profile. i go to BC [whatever the hell that is] and the guys in my fraternity love your pic

Me: um, thanks

He: sure thanks for being so fuckin hot - theta sig loves you

Etc. Etc.

I'm not a stranger of the random IM, but this one struck me as odder than the rest, especially since I've been feeling particularly ugly lately. I actually logged in to my yahoo account to make sure my profile hadn't been hacked and my picture replaced with that of some hot porn star. Funny that some frat dork and all his stupid friends are just sitting around creaming over some minutely attractive girl's yahoo profile when they could be out torturing people and acting like douche bags in real life.

The next time I feel like crashing my car into a guard rail on I-35, throwing myself in front of train, jumping off the top floor of a high rise in Chicago, shooting myself in the side of the head (just above my right ear), hanging myself in the center of town, or overdosing on a sexily dangerous drug, I'll refrain. Why? Because theta sig loves me, and that's important to think about when seriously contemplating death.

...

Did you notice how I didn't list slitting my wrists as an option in the above paragraph? That's because if you're gonna commit suicide, you should only do it once. If you slit your wrists, you'll never die, you'll just be in pain for a long time until someone finds your pathetic ass. And that's not really dying, is it?

posted by platkat @ 5:55 PM 4 million people love The Kat

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I just placed 19th in a NL tournament with 545 entrants. My feelings are bittersweet. On one hand, I am really proud of myself for setting aside several hours and mountains of mind-junk so I could concentrate on playing a good, focused game of cards. The pendulum swung fiercely throughout the game, but no matter how little I had, I played with confidence and made good decisions. The hand that pretty much killed me was pocket 8s UTG against pocket queens in late position. Had I not jumped up to go to the bathroom prior to folding the previous hand, I would've had more than a couple of seconds to think before raising in that crappy position. Had I returned from the bathroom any later, my hand would have been folded and I would have lived to see another day. So any situation other than exactly what happened would have been better. Oh well, the pocket change is nice.

Now listening to "I Started Something I Couldn't Finish" by The Smiths.

posted by platkat @ 8:59 PM 2 million people love The Kat

Kat's Life Grab Bag #4

1. Went to work with my top down. When I got out of my car, a bunch of my coworkers coming back from lunch were staring at me. I should mention that my shirt was on and I drive a convertible. I don't think this is much to gawk at, but apparently enough people do for me to write about it.

2. Posted the results of my recent gyno visit on the refrigerator. Everything came out clean... that's as good as an A+ in my book.

3. Wrote a letter to Google suggesting that they change the message, "So-and-so has invited you to join GoogleTalk" to "Stop being a douche and join GoogleTalk." So far, I've had more success with the latter.

posted by platkat @ 7:42 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Monday, April 03, 2006

You Look Terrible!

Why is it that people feel the need to point out when someone isn't looking their best?

This morning I walked into a meeting and said hello. My boss turned around and said, "Hi, how are you?" I replied that I was fine and he replied, "Really? You look pretty tired and maybe a little sick." Or something like that. Either way, I figured "Fine" could be taken at face value. Even if it was a lie (it wasn't), what good does it do to draw out the fact that someone is sick and tired?

It's true, I wasn't looking particularly good. After my morning run, I had just enough time to shower, pull my hair back, and throw on a little mascara. I usually try to make a bit more of an effort, but I didn't think I'd get called out for not doing so.

I don't think most people appreciate how hard it is to wake up at the crack of dawn, run for an hour, shower, dry and style my hair, assemble the perfect outfit, and spend however long it takes a bumbling idiot like me to apply make-up. And THEN show up to work at a reasonable hour. Sorry folks, that just can't happen every day.

Anyway, in response to my boss's comment, I smiled and said, "Thank you!" with as much sugar as a frowny mod chick dressed in black head-to-toe can muster before 9:00 in the morning.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention earlier that in addition to my simple hairstyle and pittance of makeup, I was able to throw on some clothes. Maybe that's where I went wrong...

posted by platkat @ 7:02 PM 1 million people love The Kat

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Think Different?

Once upon a time, a crapload of Party Poker points were burning a hole in Gus's account, so he decided to pick up some merch. We picked out some good books, a t-shirt or something, and... *gasp* ...an iPod shuffle.

Even though both of us hate Apple for its lack of compatibility with anything and nonsensical appeal to the hipster sheep, we figured picking up a free Apple product wouldn't turn us into hypocrites.

For a month, that stupid fucking iPod shuffle has sat on a shelf in its stupid little green box, untouched. Neither of us wants to be the one to open it, and I know I don't want to be the first to use it. I don't want to accidentally infest my computer with iTunes and end up having to undo all of its "organization" when I try to put songs on the damn thing.

We both understand that our hatred for Apple is silly, but at the same time, we can't seem to get past the caveman approach of warily eyeing it every now and then in hopes it will go away. If we don't at least try to use it within the next few months, I'll take it to target practice and shoot at it a few times. The amount of pleasure I'd get from that is likely worth more than the base cost of manufacturing one of these things.

posted by platkat @ 6:46 PM 0 million people love The Kat

Archives