Here’s to you, Mr. Cafe Open-Mic Night Monopolizer.
After arriving extra early to make sure you get the perfect time slot, you snag that high table right in front of the stage. No matter who’s performing, you’re going to be seen! In fact, you’re not just going to be seen, you’ve got an acoustic guitar slung over your shoulder at all times so when the opportunity presents itself, you’ll be heard too.
If you’re not wandering around trying to hit on girls by showing off your guitar, which you’ve been playing practically since birth, you’re strumming along trying to keep up with the person on stage.
Whether an older gentleman is playing Bob Dylan’s “Knocking on Heaven’s Door,” or a younger guy is singing his heart out like John Mayer, you’re playing backup whether they ask for it or not. You might even sing while you play, because hey, every performer likes to hear a guy in the audience making music while they’re onstage making music.
When you’ve sat through almost as much amateur talent as you can stand, your name is called and it’s your time to shine. Finally, a real musician can take the stage!
First, it’s essential that you spend half of your allotted time tuning your guitar. (It was okay for it to be out of tune when you were providing backup for all the performers before you.) Then, dive right into a meandering one-man jam session with no real hooks or passion. Just keep pulling chords out of your ass until eventually the emcee has to cut you off because he’s reminded everyone several times that he’s working from a full list and the cafe is only open until 10.
While the emcee is humbly apologizing to you for having to interrupt, stay right where you are and keep talking over him into the microphone. You’re totally cool with not getting to play your 45 minute solo and want to make that as clear as possible!
Once you’re finally off the stage, you pack up your stuff and clear out like the place was on fire. You promised your deaf neighbors and two aging dogs a late-night performance, and you know they’re waiting. Plus, you need to save your energy for the next Jimmy Page and Robert Plant reunion tour. They may not know it yet, but they’re gonna need your help!
See also: Real American Heroes, 2005 Edition
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