PlatKat.com

PlatKat Publishing is pleased to announce a new line of services that target a previously untapped market in the publishing industry. Beginning this month, we will offer assistance with the writing, editing, printing, and distribution of personalized suicide letters. PlatKat Publishing is committed to delivering the fastest, most poignant notices of death, tailored especially to your specific needs.

At PlatKat Publishing, we offer a wide selection of service packages to accomodate everyone from the cracked-out illiterate bum to the formally trained writer who just wants to get the word out. You’re going to die anyway, so it is only reasonable to spare no expense as you complete your final earthly deed. But regardless of your budget, PlatKat Publishing has a package that’s perfect for you.

PlatKat Publishing understands that writing is not everyone’s strong suit. It could take weeks or even months for the average person to write a concise, momentous suicide letter. Why spend all that time crafting the perfect note when you could be making sure the knot on your noose is tied correctly or checking the train schedule one last time?

Most other publishers just say they offer a variety of services. They may be able to print your newsletter on high-gloss magazine stock or create an easily reproducible four-color brochure for your small business, but when it comes to the tough jobs, just how qualified are they? You shouldn’t have to justify your passion for dying with complete strangers, nor should you have to hide behind excuses just to get the job done. Can your already crushed dignity afford to trust just any publisher to carry out your wishes at the time of your planned death?

You need PlatKat Publishing to ensure that your suicide letter is crafted and distributed for the ultimate impact. Sure, actions speak louder than words, but being suicidal, it’s quite likely that you’re very misunderstood. Make sure everyone knows why you took your own life, as well as who to blame, if applicable.

PlatKat Publishing puts the customer first, yet we know you don’t have much of a choice when selecting suicide letter publishers. If you are unsatisfied with our services in any way, we will personally kill you ourselves. It’s the PlatKat guarantee.

You have only one shot at the perfect suicide. Make sure your survivors understand the complete level of your worldly suffering with a custom suicide note from PlatKat Publishing. Let us help you terrorize the minds of your so-called “loved ones” until the day they die. No one on this earth may have loved you, but we’ll make sure they never forget you.

It’s your funeral. Make it special. Call PlatKat Publishing today.

Coming soon!
Dear John letters: Tell him you’re not coming back like you mean it!
Ransom notes: Get the location and directions right the first time!
You’re Adopted notices: It beats an orphanage, you ungrateful little shit!