“My headphones… They saved my life.” -Bjork, Post
MY headphones, however, are making my life a living hell. I’m not talking about just one pair. I’m referring to the 800 pairs I’ve had to use in the last few months because every single set on the market today either breaks after a few weeks or won’t stay in my ears.
When I bought an iPod shuffle about a year ago, it came with headphones, like this. Life was good for awhile. In the past, I’ve found the standard iPod headphones to be perfectly fine for my purposes and I needn’t worry about getting new ones. Then they broke.
Since then, it has been a never-ending quest to find the right cross-section of quality and usability. At first, I tried going for inexpensive. The cheap ones are usually no-frills and have a shorter cord. Unfortunately, even if I get lucky and they fit into my ears (which are apparently extremely unique and shaped like no other pair of ears the world has ever seen), they still end up breaking after three weeks.
So, it looks like I have to pay a little more if I want something longer-lasting. Okay, fine. I have a job. I commute on foot and by bus to that job, and so do some of the most obnoxious people on the planet. Headphones are important, and after all this BS, I’m willing to pay just about anything for a good pair.
Unfortunately once again, no matter how much I’m willing to shell out, there is no such thing as a normal pair of headphones. There are a bunch of fancy ones (with the highest end being Shure) that have different-size attachments that you can choose to fit your ear, like this. But you have to shove them deep into your ear canal to get them to stay, and I have a big problem with shoving random objects into the orifaces of my body. Just ask my gynecologist.
Some of the slightly more expensive pairs may have decent earbuds, but the cables retract into some stupid case like this. There are also ones with volume control, ones that hook over your ears, ones that make you look like an air-traffic controller, and ones that tard you out proper, like this.
Another anti-feature of many “good” headphones is the likeness of a light headset, where one earbud cable is longer than the other, like this. I guess they think you’ll put the longer one over or behind your head, because as we all know, everyone’s head is exactly the same size. How friggin’ ghey is that?? How am I supposed to run or even walk anywhere with these stupid pieces of crap flying around?
As an aside, I found out this morning that the nice headphones I bought yesterday were “over the head” and pretty much the opposite of everything I was looking for. I ended up using my G1 during my run this morning, which has the same type of headphones I despise, but at least has the new CLP mix from Joe in it. Oh wait, no, it has 8 seconds of the CLP mix from Joe in it. So I ended up futzing around with my damn headset for an hour while listening to a Radio One Essential Mix from Adam Freeland, who is like the Earth, Wind, and Fire of techno. (Good stuff, but you know… safe.)
Because of the asymmetry of the headset, I couldn’t get it to stay in any configuration, and it kept banging against my left tit for the duration of my run. I’m should invent a new epidemic involving chafing of the tit and sue T-Mobile for my pain and suffering.
Or I could just continue my search, and as a last resort, I could buy the original iPod headphones for $29, which I know I like. Because I haven’t bent over enough lately. Goddammitall.