PlatKat.com

Healthy, tasty food for self-centered bitches

Ingredients
Non-Stick Cooking Spray
Vegan Original Boca Burger Patty
Orowheat Country Buttermilk Bread
Cheddar Veggie Slices
Smart Balance Light Butter Spread
Heinz Tomato Ketchup

Equipment
Large Frying Pan
Spatula, Preferably from Spatula City
Butter Knife
Plate (Optional)

Other Stuff
Hunger
Solitude
An Inflated Sense of Self-Worth and Entitlement (Optional)

Prep Time
Somewhere between one and the number of minutes left in your lifetime. That is, however long it takes you to go to the store, get the stuff you need, and bring it back to your kitchen.

Cook Time
About 10 minutes if you focus on what you’re doing instead of fucking around with a bunch of other junk.

Cooking Instructions
1. Set the stove to medium heat.

2. Cover the inside of the frying pan with non-stick cooking spray.

3. Wait for the little sizzling sounds that indicate the pan is at maximum temperature, and place a Boca Burger patty in the pan. If meat is a must, you could use a regular lean hamburger patty and retain partial nutritional value. However, using vegan products when possible is what makes it a Platty Katty Bratty Patty. It’s true, Boca Burgers do not at ALL taste like regular hamburgers. Don’t even try to compare them. Instead, you should just decide that you are eating something totally different, and it happens to contain an extra serving of vegetables that you probably wouldn’t get otherwise.

4. Flip that shit!

5. When the patty is a darker shade of brown, set it aside and say, “I’ll deal with you later.”

6. Cover the inside of the frying pan with the chichi non-dairy butter I told you to get. Did I mention it’s non-dairy? Yeah, many people are slightly lactose intolerant and don’t even know it. I think I may be one of those people, since I break out with acne when I eat too much dairy. Plus, this butter is fortified with omega 3’s and has half the fat of regular butter. The package says that the light version we’re using is not ideal for frying, but it’s okay to break the rules on this one because I said so.

7. While you wait for the butter to melt, spread a thin layer of butter on one side of each slice of bread. Seriously, make this layer thin or you’ll have a big ol’ sloppy mess on your hands. Kind of like sexual relations in high school.

8. Put each slice butter-side-down in the frying pan.

9. Place a slice of chichi non-dairy cheese on top of each slice of bread. Notice it has the look and texture of the American singles you’re used to eating. I promise, once it’s all done cooking, you won’t be able to tell the difference.

10. Place the cooked patty on top of one of the slices of cheese. It should still be warm enough to melt it a little.

11. Place the other slice of bread on top of the patty, cheese-side down. Watch the magic happen.

12. Flip that shit!

13. Once the bread is golden brown and toasty to your liking, transfer the sandwich to a plate.

14. Pour a metric ton of ketchup onto your plate. Or, if you’re like me, squeeze the ketchup directly onto the sandwich as you eat it. Ketchup is one of the best condiments ever invented and needs not be spared. In fact, Ronald Reagan liked it so much, he wanted to make it a staple in the vegetable food group. Luckily, the ingredients I have selected for this dish are low-cal and packed with nutrients, so you don’t need to lie to yourself about your vegetable intake. Just eat the sandwich and like it.

Notes
As some of you know, I’m largely pro-health and vehemently anti-fast food. If I ever get to a point in life where compensation and resources aren’t an issue, I’d like to make a career of traveling to schools in low-income areas where I could show families how they can save money with healthy alternatives to rush-dining. A large part of the project involves comparing the cost-per-serving of a meal cooked at home to the price of menu items from major chains.

I ran some approximations in my head as I walked to work this morning, and although I spared no expense when choosing the components of this particular sandwich, it’s still less than the price of a McDonald’s Big Mac. You could easily substitute regular white bread, low-fat American cheese, lean ground beef, etc. and cut that price in half without a huge increase in calories. I could go on about side and beverage substitutes (I don’t usually eat sides when I eat at home, but they’re a big part of my spiel due to their empty calories and popularity), but then I might as well draw up a business model and start preparing a presentation while I’m at it.

As the title implies, I’m somewhat of a brat and don’t care about other people, so launching this idea will take some time.