Okay, seriously. What the hell is this?
Does this candy even have a name? Do we have any indication of its ingredients or origin? Are the unmarked wrappers hinting that this candy is so good, it doesn’t need a name, a shiny package, and a nod from a successful candy manufacturer with a popular line of delicious products?
You see this candy every Halloween. It usually comes from the poor family in the neighborhood or old people who forgot what good things taste like.
Does the large bag of this candy at the store even have a name? I wouldn’t know. I’m awesome and give out Snickers bars every year. However, if you come to my door with no costume, then you receive the candy pictured above. This is recycled candy from previous Halloweens.
Even when all the top tier candy is gone (Snickers bars, Milky Ways, and Jelly Bellies) and the second tier candy is rationed out in bag lunches (bite-sized Hersheys, individual Starbursts, and Charleston Chew), you never, ever eat the cheap candy (Tootsie Rolls, cinnamon candy, and whatever’s pictured above).
Smarties are also cheap candy, but they fall into a special category. You don’t eat Smarties, but they make great ammo. Simply construct a bow by cutting a rubberband and straightening a paperclip. Then watch your Halloween rubbish serve as sugary, colorful pellets to strike your classroom/cubefarm enemies. More mature vengeance-seekers may crush white Smarties into a fine powder and sell it as an illegal substance. I don’t recommend trying this with young children, coworkers, or anyone you plan to see again.
However, the candy I happened upon today has no use whatsoever, except to give to someone else when a small handout is proper etiquette. Although the intended message is “I am giving you something because I’m nice,” the underlying message is “Here, you deal with this crap.”
This candy predates Cadbury chocolates, the Mars company (founded in Tacoma!), and probably the Civil War. It appears to have (at least partially) become one with the wrapper that contains it. Should it ever be unwrapped on a particularly hot day, it will infect the culprit and his surroundings like ice-nine. No surface will be safe from its sickening pallid goo.
I’m especially disturbed by the pieces that consist of two colors. Am I to believe that two distinguishable flavors are packed into these sticky heaps of wax-wrapped gunk? What are they, anyway? Strawberry and banana? Cherry and chocolate?
Mmmm, cherry and chocolate…
Wait! No! These are disgusting. Even if that’s what they’re supposed to be, they will taste like their assigned flavor mixed with Elmer’s glue and sand. Do I want to eat Elmer’s glue and sand? Of course not. I’m not in first grade anymore. I have money and live in a city. I want to eat tiny orange fish eggs and slippery buttered snails! YUM!
So I will not be eating this candy. And for the record, I did not buy nor receive this candy. Let’s just say I “found” it and leave it at that.
BTW, I’ll be very busy dressing up and going out in late October, so you can look forward to a repost of this confectionery debacle on Halloween.
Andrew Self says:
I hope you know that’s salt water taffy.
August 26, 2008, 3:09 pmApril says:
There has been a bag of that floating around my office for the past month. Oddly, some people seem addicted to the stuff.
August 26, 2008, 9:31 pmRuhmann says:
It’s salt water taffy. When it’s well made, it’s delicious. The stuff sold at Cedar Point is really good. I don’t know of any other quality suppliers, but I know they exist.
August 27, 2008, 12:13 amSirFWALGMan says:
I think you are awesome.
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August 27, 2008, 10:36 amthe other april says:
OMG… GIMME!!! You can have my smarties!
The peach ones are peach. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM……..!
August 27, 2008, 1:08 pmAnonymous says:
Salt water taffy is pretty much always packaged like that. It’s sold in large containers, which are clearly labeled. The individual pieces, however, are unlabeled. Once upon a time, candies didn’t have to be wrapped in plastic with branding all over them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salt_water_taffy
August 27, 2008, 1:54 pmplatkat says:
Okay, this is Serious Business. I ATE THE CANDY. Here are my findings:
Red: OMFG WTF GRR. I was thinking the taste would be fruit-flavored, but it was more like a soft gooey red hot. I spit it out.
Orange: I was hoping for the refreshing burst of citrus found in Starburst candy, but this was weak and almost peachish, as if it couldn’t decide. I begrudgingly swallowed this one.
Blue: When I was in junior high, I loved blue tear jerkers from the candy store more than anything. Best Gum Evar. This was a little like that, so I sort of enjoyed it.
Pink and Brown: This tasted like a diluted Tootsie Roll and a stale strawberry. Poop.
Pink and Yellow: This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. That’s all it is. I couldn’t taste any other flavor.
So there, I went boldly where many others have surely gone before and I have no regrets. But I really could have done without all the sugar right before a boring meeting…
August 27, 2008, 2:08 pmLiving~Laughing~Loving says:
That would be saltwater taffy, and I buy it anytime I go to the Oregon Coast. It is amazing when fresh (before it turns rock hard and forces you to eat wax paper).
(And I found the blog through fark. No I am not a stalker. Scouts honor.)
August 27, 2008, 7:50 pmM.C. Shortstack says:
Has anybody mentioned this is salt water taffy? If made with kosher salt, it is the only candy safe for Jews to eat on Halloween, or else they risk incurring the wrath of Zombie Jesus and the Great Pumpkin.
Think I’m lying? Check that guy’s Wikipedia entry. Gimme five minutes…
Really I’m just rambling to bump this to EPIC POST NUMBER LEVELS. I can’t remember this many since everyone went off on Mexicans years ago.
/Not from Fark
August 27, 2008, 10:43 pm//From 11500 N Mopac Expway
Smartass McGee (aka Miranda) says:
i’m probably going out on a limb here but i think that’s salt water taffy!
August 28, 2008, 3:55 pmThe New Kid in Town says:
I ran this by a famed candy historian, and after serious deliberation he was “70% certain” that these “candies” pictured here were salt water taffy.
I think he’s full of shit. They’re cleverly wrapped pinto beans.
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