PlatKat.com

When I’m not eating, sleeping, or fucking (or attempting to do all three at once), I enjoy some more complex activities to celebrate and reaffirm my place at the top of the food chain. Besides work, exercise, and the usual life-administrative BS, I also play poker.

Just like almost every man age 15–45 who isn’t completely bitch-whipped by a nagging mother or succubus wife.

On the other hand, ladies who play cards seem to be the calico cats of the 20-something litter. Like Asian redheads, Dodge Vipers, and reasonably priced organic food, we’re nothing too special, but still a unique surprise.

Unfortunately, beyond the mere exchange of fact, there isn’t much to discuss unless you’re making plans to actually play the game. Talking about poker these days is like talking about anything people regularly do (see first paragraph), so most conversations feel a lot like this:

Mutual Friend: “Kat, this is Male Friend. Hey Male Friend, you still breathe air, right? Kat breathes air too!”

Male Friend: (nonchalantly) “Oh? You breathe air? That’s cool…”

Me: “Yep.”

Male Friend: “I love breathing air. I’ve been breathing air since I was kid. Way before it got popular. How long have you been breathing air?”

Me: “I breathed air for fun a little bit when I was a kid, but I started breathing air more often when I got older and had money and other people to do it with.”

Male Friend: “Right on, right on. Where do you breathe air now?”

Me: “I usually breathe air at work and a few places in the neighborhood.” (Vague on purpose. I don’t like talking about where I work or the private card rooms I frequent.)

Male Friend: “Yeah, I breathe air at some friends’ houses sometimes. Do you breathe air online?”

Me: “Yeah, sometimes.”

Male Friend: “I breathe air on Poker Stars, Hollywood Poker, Full Tilt, etc.”

Me: “I breathe air on Full Tilt sometimes.”

Male Friend: “Right on. Are you doing well on Full Tilt?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s going alright.” (I don’t like to talk about money with people either. I’ve withdrawn my initial deposit and then some. That’s all that matters.)

Male Friend: “Cool, same here.”

Me: “Good.”

Silence.

To me, poker is one of those shit-or-get-off-the-pot topics. I like to play, so I make plans to do it and talk about it there. I don’t enjoy discussing strategy with someone I hardly know (where to even begin?) or taking turns fellating each other about how cool we are because we play cards. The idea that you can win a lot of money by sitting in a chair making the right plays is attractive to most people. Now that it’s more accessible than it’s ever been, everyone’s doing it.

As with most sports, I could memorize the stats of some selected pros and rattle them off to make conversation, but that’s part of the reason I’m turned off by regular sports in the first place. I don’t want to spend a lot of time fawning all over someone else’s skills, I just want to play and improve my own. And then when it’s over, I want to do other things (see first paragraph).