Five years had passed since I’d set foot in the place. It was a smorgasboard of horrible from the very beginning. Immediately realizing my foolish mistake, I vowed never to return.
Then came the dilemma of last night. After finishing the blissfully awful movie, Tideland, a too-short episode of the “The Simpsons”, and a rerun of “Family Guy”, my fellow Texpat and I were famished from all the energy we had expended.
“I’m hungry. Let’s go to Chipotle,” he said.
I slapped him and called him a heretic. (Not really.) I asked him how he could be from Austin and eat at such a place. It’s not just a chain, it’s a chain that strips away every beautiful quality inherent of delicious Tex-Mex food, leaving a trail of disasterous fail in its wake. How could he even suggest this blasphemous excursion to the depths of culinary hell?
He replied that it really wasn’t that bad. We were, in fact, in Seattle, and this is the best they can do here. I didn’t want to believe it, but maybe he was right. And maybe Chipotle had changed since its disconnection from McDonalds in 2006. Donning my usual Sunday uniform (clothes from the night before), I decided to give it a try.
(If you’re a Texan, you understand what my monster is, and why it is a privilege to unwrap it.)
So here’s the breakdown:
- Line: The architecture of Chipotle’s line-bordering walls is exactly the same as Freebirds. It’s like someone went to Freebirds and, I don’t know, took some notes maybe? And, oh, I don’t know, spent six years raising capital to open a similar business with shares they would eventually sell mostly to McDonalds, the mecca of terrible food and marketing values cause they needed some capital? But then maybe officially spin off once people realized it was the spoiled trust fund baby of chain fast food restaurants? Hmmm? Maybe? But I digress.
- Staff: At Freebirds, your order is taken by a friendly tattooed kid with colored hair and/or piercings. At Chipotle, your order is taken by a squat woman who can’t speak English. Attitude might also be included free of charge.
- Clientele: At Freebirds, you eat alongside college students, techies on their lunch break, and other cool people. At Chipotle, high school kids and suburban twat-rockets.
- Tortillas: Freebirds has a choice of four flavors (spinach, cayenne, whole wheat, and regular) in different sizes. Chipotle has one flavor in one size and it’s like eating a rubbery circle of garbage.
- Rice: Freebirds has Spanish rice. Nom. Chipotle has white rice with lemon and cilantro in it. Meh.
- Beans: Chipotle doesn’t have refried beans. WTF WTF WTF.
- Meat-stuffs: Chipotle has more choices (including pork), but Freebirds offers white OR dark chicken. I got beef barbacoa at Chipotle, but it wasn’t shredded enough to be burrito filling. So instead of an even allocation of ingredients, the meat portion of my burrito was consumed in three giant bites.
- Cheese: Freebirds has three kinds, Chipotle has one. But most cheese tastes the same when it’s melted with seven other things, so I guess it’s a tie.
- Sauces: If you count corn as a sauce, then Chipotle has something Freebirds doesn’t, but the selection is still limited. Freebirds has Death Sauce. That’s right, when you eat at Freebirds, you gamble with your LIFE. That makes it a win in my book.
- Sour Cream: Chipotle’s is soupy, but they don’t charge for it.
- Guacamole: Both places charge extra. And it’s all delicious. Tie.
- Foil: If you’re a fan of eating like I am, your burrito is going to be big when you get to the end. At Chipotle, they wrap your burrito in one piece of foil. One tiny piece of foil! Freebirds people will wrap your delicious masterpiece until it has the proper stability, and there’s extra foil by the napkin and salsa station. Bringing me to my next point…
- Salsa Station: THIS is where I get more tomatillo sauce to enjoy with every bite of my Freebirds burrito. Where’s the salsa station at Chipotle? Oh wait, there ISN’T one. You get Tabasco sauce, comrade. That’s it.
- Napkins: Chipotle’s napkins have directions on how to unwrap your burrito. People who need directions should go back to Taco Bell until they’re ready to eat real Americanized Mexican food. And then they should go to Freebirds.
- Website: I can’t eat a website, but let it be known that Chipotle uses gratuitous flash and sounds whether you want it or not. Freebirds lets you choose between html and flash, and you can easily turn the music on and off. Obvious winner.
Yes, I still ate every bite, interspersing chews with short but frequent complaints. My southern parter in migration and homesickness seemed humored by my explicit weakness and told me he expected nothing less. It’s human nature to compare things, and last night left me completely unable to overcome it.
See also: Two Days of Boo-fays
The Baroness says:
Yes, Freebirds is better. And it makes you feel good about being a Texan.
August 11, 2008, 3:44 pmapril says:
one tear, streaming down my cheek :’(
August 11, 2008, 3:57 pmRuhmann says:
Don’t diss the cilantro/lime rice. Freebirds has something to learn there. Other than that, Freebirds has all the options of Chipotle (including corn) except for some of the meat. Also, the meat tastes better at Chipotle and the line is longer at Freebirds. You know what? Complaining about either should be a crime. Who cares what’s better when you’re eating a delicious burrito?
August 11, 2008, 5:45 pmClaire says:
I ate a Chuychanga last night and thought of you and Jenny during each delicious bite.
August 13, 2008, 7:52 pmCristina Stoy says:
I read your blog all the time and I just thought I’d say keep up the terrific work!
April 18, 2010, 1:52 pmcasino en ligne says:
casino en ligne…
Votre argent va durer beaucoup plus longtemps aussi….
April 27, 2010, 1:48 pmAmsterdam Escort says:
I enjoyed viewing your blog and I will be back to check it more in the future so please keep up your good quality work. I love the colors that you chose, you are quite talented!
April 29, 2010, 4:39 pmabstract art says:
I enjoyed checking out your blog today and I will be back to check it more in the future so please keep up your good quality work. I love the colors that you chose, you are quite talented!
April 30, 2010, 4:15 pmbird cages says:
If you are feeling creative and can’t decide on one perfect gift, you can create a bird lovers’ gift basket. This can be a basketful of supplies for a bird owner—such as bird food, bird toys, treats and a gift certificate to a pet store. You can also create a basket for an avid bird watcher—including a field guide, binoculars and an audio compilation of bird calls that tells you which bird makes which sound.
May 2, 2010, 4:33 amChristoper Latortue says:
Me along with my hubby will be anticipating our first child within three months. As a soon to be new mama I i’m working in order to find out as much as doable. This kind of website ended up being especially advantageous. I am on the lookout just for fresh material virtually all the time in addition I really really like to learn plus I read quite a bit. If or when you have any writers or just courses with respect to new moms you can endorse I would like a tip.
May 8, 2010, 7:33 amFrank Sarvis says:
You ought to really think about expanding this blog into a dominant authority in this field. You clearly have a grasp knowledge of the topics all of us are browsing for on this site anyways and you could potentially even make a dollar or three from some ads. I would explore following recent topics and increasing the number of articles you make and I guarantee you’d begin earning some good traffic soon. Just a brainstorm, good luck in whatever you do!
May 16, 2010, 1:24 amclub penguin money maker says:
Thanks for the post. I luv ur site!
May 16, 2010, 12:59 pmatlanta cheap tickets says:
I enjoyed reading it. I need to read more on this topic..Thanks for sharing a nice info..Any way I am going to subscribe to your feed and I hope you post again soon.
May 20, 2010, 7:28 amJeffrey Bazylewicz says:
this article was exactly what i’ve been searching for! I found this blog bookmarked by a friend. I will also bookmark it. thanks!
May 21, 2010, 4:48 pmCharissa Lahti says:
Hello can I use some of the information here in this post if I reference you with a link back to your site?
May 22, 2010, 8:01 ammarketiva says:
Hello Thanks for making my morning a little bit better with this great article!!
May 22, 2010, 11:01 amGarfield Lisa says:
I eat recently started using the blogengine.net and I having some problems here? in your blog you stated that we have need of to enable write permissions on the App_Text folder…unfortunately I don’t conceive of how to assign it.
May 23, 2010, 9:40 ambuy generic viagra says:
Great post, I wanted to say that i am not able to connect to the rss reader, you might want install certain wordpress plugin for that to workthat.
May 24, 2010, 4:41 pmIrvin Carlston says:
a new must
May 25, 2010, 7:48 amBuy Generic Viagra says:
I saw this article bookmarked and really liked it. I will certainly bookmark it too and also go through your other articles tomorrow.
May 25, 2010, 2:48 pmRuss Hoffman says:
HA! This is a great post, I stumbled across your article while looking for downloads. Thanks for sharing, I’ll be sure to come back.
May 27, 2010, 10:52 pmRhonda Casey says:
Ooohh, I hope you will keep updating your content constantly as you have one dedicated reader here.
May 28, 2010, 1:08 am