Dear [name withheld],
I am writing to inform you of a serious health issue that has befallen many of the occupants of Building XXX. In the last month or so, some of us have noticed that garbage collection no longer occurs daily, but every other day. While I am sure facilities is greatly benefitting from this clever money-saving initiative, this has caused Building XXX to undergo a population explosion… of fruit flies that now constantly hover in many of our cubicles.
Since the employees who work in this building are contractors, we are paid by the hour. Therefore, it is common for us to have lunch at our desks so we can complete our hours at work as quickly as possible and go home to be with our families. The meal offerings in the Building YYY cafeteria are more than suitable, featuring dishes like Chicken Tikka Masala and Mongolian Beef Stirfry. Those are two great tastes, but they don’t taste great together. And they certainly don’t smell great rotting in my garbage can for hours or even days… unless you’re a fruit fly.
From this discovery, many of us have tried putting our trash in a receptacle other than our own garbage cans. It is somewhat an inconvenience, as I never considered it a mentionable amenity to be able to throw my refuse in a nearby garbage can, but it would be well worth the effort if it eliminated these unwanted pests. Unfortunately, any time someone would like to enjoy a snack at their desk while they work, the fruit flies return, seemingly with a vengeance.
While fruit flies must serve some purpose in our vast, ever-changing ecosystem, I am having trouble understanding their role at Microsoft. As I have become acquainted with them over the past few weeks, I’ve attempted to share my workload with these clingy creatures so they could earn their keep. As it turns out, they don’t edit protocol documentation very well. In fact, they aren’t even very good company. It’s kind of like when your long-lost cousin-by-marriage shows up on your doorstep at 2am on a weeknight without calling first and tells you he needs a place to crash for “awhile” until he “gets back on his feet.” There’s no telling how long he’ll be there, and things are a little tense until an alternative arrangement is reached.
So I ask you to please contact the appropriate person (or pass along his or her contact information) so that we can find a expeditious and final solution to this problem. Historically, unwanted insects have been carriers for diseases such as malaria, yellow fever, African sleeping sickness, and the bubonic plague (a.k.a. the black death). In the event that I am spared from one of these painful and life-threatening diseases, it would sadden me greatly to watch my respected colleagues suffer from maladies that are so easily preventable with good old-fashioned cleanliness.
Once again, I cordially beseech you to help put an end to this dangerous injustice and aid the Building XXX dwellers in lobbying for more frequent waste collection.
Thank you,
Kat Taylor
a.k.a. “Piggy”
Addendum: I posted my admin’s kind, rapid response and a few other comments in the Dear Kat section.