PlatKat.com

There’s an admin at work who wears a wallet chain. Even though he’s a grown man in his 30s, maybe he thinks he’s a teenager in the 90s. Or maybe the crime rate at Microsoft is on the rise. Maybe all the developers and managers and other tech-savvy people that were hired to fill chairs have the secret ulterior motive to rob and plunder unsuspecting admins.

They work in teams, appearing not to know one another. One distracts the victim, perhaps by asking for directions to the company store or by spilling inexpensive Pan-Asian cuisine on them in the cafeteria. While the helpful victim is giving directions or wiping the tikka masala sauce off his Pac-Sun shirt, the second perpetrator swoops in and yanks the wallet right out of the admin’s back pocket.

Often times, it is best to have one of the Microsoft shuttles waiting outside to serve as a getaway car. Unfortunately, due to the GPS tracking devices in each vehicle, the shuttle drivers will not flee anywhere off campus, so the thieves must also have a predetermined on-campus hiding place to take stock of their loot.

That hiding place is probably this building. Unlike most Microsoft buildings with multiple floors, individual offices, and comfortable break rooms, this place is a raving shithole. Even admins with stolen wallets wouldn’t come in here unless they had to mail a package, but they’d probably still arrive in an armored car weilding a few machine guns in case the freak show in the mailroom gets to be too much.

Yep, the streets of the M$ Redmond campus are getting rougher every day, and my building is what Cabrini Green is to Chicago’s North Side. Better watch your back and chain up your shit, especially if you make $20/hour and value your unviolated rear end.