PlatKat.com: Learn How to Ride a Bus, You Fucking Moron

Friday, April 18, 2008

Learn How to Ride a Bus, You Fucking Moron

Believe it or not, there's such a thing as public transportation etiquette. Even though no one practices it 100 percent of the time (myself included), it's good to know the rules. Similar to my partial listing of the Gym Rules They Don't Post, here are some idiocy-inspired guidelines for a calm, uneventful journey. (Note: The Gym Rules They Don't Post are also applicable to the bus, and pretty much anywhere members of the public congregate.)

Find a seat promptly.
Now is a good time to practice thinking on your feet. It is likely that there are people behind you who are also attempting to board the bus and find a seat, and they'd rather not stand behind you while you perform a cost/benefit analysis of whether it's best to share a seat up front, or find an empty row near the back.

Hold on tight.
Now is not a good time to relish in your vertigo. Move to the first row of seats quickly so you can make use of the handles at the back of each chair and steady yourself so as not to slam into those around you when the bus lurches forward. You may be taken by surprise, but remember, the bus isn't doing anything wrong. It's moving like it's supposed to. If you're flailing about due to this undiscovered revelation, you're just a jackass with no self-control.

Don't ask questions.
If you're already on the bus and it's moving, it's fine to ask the driver for clarification on the stops he makes. But if you're some tool on the street who didn't map a route to his destination before leaving the house, the bus driver is not obligated to do it for you on the fly. In fact, you can call Metro's Rider Information Phone System and talk to someone who's job it is to answer your questions. So pick up a phone and quit wasting everyone's time.

Shut the fuck up.
This rule applies mostly to commuter buses. These types of buses transport regular working people like me to our place of business. We make use of our time on the bus to catch up on e-mail, read books, and mentally prepare for the day ahead (or relax after a full day's work). While it must be super to work on a rotating schedule, please spare the rest of us of your boisterous ramblings as the result of your fabulous mid-week bender of drinking paint thinner and sniffing glue.

Avoid using your cell phone.
See previous rule, "Shut the fuck up." Sometimes it is necessary to make or take a call in order to inform your boss, coworkers, or family of your whereabouts and ETA. However, it is not appropriate to engage in a long emphatic conversation in your shrill native tongue with an entire bus full of people as your captive audience. We also don't need to hear your flight plans for next month, how good your mom's casserole recipe is, or whether you think it's going to rain tomorrow. (FYI: Yes, it's going to rain tomorrow, and the day after that.)

Don't sit by me.
I'd prefer this to be a no-exceptions rule, but when the bus is crowded, go ahead. (No fatties.) Nothing irks me more than some asshat who gets in my space when there are a million empty seats to choose from. Even when one person occupies each row of two seats, I hate being the first to give up my spare seat. It makes sense that a seat by me would be preferred; I'm female, so I'm generally smaller and I smell better. I don't partially commute by bike, so I'm not hauling around a gunny sack of shit everywhere. Still, the extra three inches of room doesn't mean it is my destiny to be rubbing thighs with you for the next hour. But speaking of commuting cyclists...

Rack your bike right.
I can't give specific directions on this because I don't ride a bike and then change my mind part-way through and decide to take the bus. If you do this, learn how to use the bike racks at the front of the bus properly to avoid long interruptions that inconvenience the driver and his passengers. If you must "learn by doing," start practicing on a bus that isn't en route at rush hour with a zillion commuters on it.

Pay quickly and disembark.
Many buses in Seattle are pay-as-you-leave. If you happen to work for one of the handful of companies in the city that don't offer a Flex Pass, have your money out and ready to deposit when you reach the front of the line. It goes without saying that the driver can't make change, so don't ask. Once you've paid, swiftly exit the bus and stay the hell out of my way. Thanks!

posted by platkat @ 11:00 AM