PlatKat.com

Just wanted to thank the five people who went out of their way to message me about Heath Ledger’s death today.

Look, I’m sorry. We were still partying hard this morning, getting high on speedballs with some of our other celebrity friends. I left him chillin’ with my girl Mary Kate a little earlier, as Brad Pitt had invited me for a quickie in the den. He said I was the closest thing to Angelina he was gonna pork that night, and I didn’t see a big problem with that. Anyway, if I had known Heath was gonna take a bunch more pills and do a whole other eight-ball, I would have stuck around to talk him out of it. I’m glad no one’s blaming me for this shit, but seriously guys, I almost feel a slight twinge of something that could be recognized as regret or sadness or something.

Anyway, thanks for letting me know what happened. And thanks also for reminding me what shitty movies he was in so I’d remember who the hell he was.