PlatKat.com: A Running List of Fucked Up Shit People in My Family Have Said to Me

Saturday, December 29, 2007

A Running List of Fucked Up Shit People in My Family Have Said to Me

1. "We didn't believe in abortion."

-Dad, when asked why he and my mother carried a child to term (me) even though they were clearly not prepared to have children. A better answer would have been, "Because your mom wanted to know what it would be like to have eight pounds and seven ounces of awesome shoot out of her pussy."

2. "Well, I don't know what you did to make him break up with you."

-Mom, in response to my devastating (at the time) breakup with my boyfriend during my sophomore year of college. For the record, I know I did nothing. He was a jackass and I had my whole life ahead of me.

3. "Stick to writing, hon. You'll never make it in radio."

-Aunt Jeanne, after I had answered another relative's question about interests I had hoped to pursue in college. Holding a degree in the esteemed field of interior design, my aunt was clearly qualified to give unsolicited career advice.

4. "Well that sounds like a situation you'll want to stay very far away from."

-Mom, when I told her I was coming to Houston for a few nights because a good friend of mine and my then-boyfriend's turned up missing right after his wedding (in which my ex was the best man).

5. "So should I still invite Gus to the wedding?"

-My younger sister, almost immediately following news of a somewhat nasty breakup with Gus, involving my relocating 3,000 miles away from the residence he and I once shared. If she were friends with him, this wouldn't be fucked up, but she only knows him through me.

6. "We know these kinds of things are hard, and trust me, we're on your side. But at 27, you're not getting any younger. You're going to have to make a decision pretty soon."

-Grandpa Taylor, also regarding my breakup with Gus. It was really nice of Grandpa not only to remind me that time moves in a linear fashion, but also to amuse me with his utter cluelessness about everything.

7. "That's a nice dragon there."

-Great Grandfather Gerty, after carefully studying what I thought was an accurate interpretation of a sun, some clouds, and a rainbow, given the tools available to me at the time. I defiantly told him what my picture was and my dad "helped" by explaining the rainbow synthezation process of water reflecting the sun's light. (This one isn't so bad, I just threw it in for fun. Poor guy was at least 98 years old when this happened, so I'm amazed he even knew who I was half the time.)

I'm sure there are more. I'll keep updating this and changing the date stamp as they come to me. Also, I'm sure after reading this, you're thinking, My family has said more fucked up things than those. And that's splendid. Really. Feel free to share them here or write your own blog post about them. My family may not be more fucked up than yours by any stretch of the imagination, but they are less non-fucked-up than I would like.

Update: 12-25-07

8. "That isn't your room. It's the room that you stay in when you're here, but this isn't your house. You're a guest here."

-Mom, referring to a room in our new house in Louisiana, which the family had begun occupying shortly before I went to college, therefore implying that at 17, I was to call "home" a 10 x 12 pre-war dorm room that I shared with a girl who resembled a basset hound. Thus it is no surprise that I recall this quote on Christmas Day, which I am celebrating with someone else's family halfway across the country.

Update: 12-26-07

9. "I pay more in taxes than you make in a year."

-Dad, in a phone conversation unrelated to money. This is an unoriginal quote, surely uttered by many a person trying to make a point in a heated (and maybe drunken) debate. But honestly, for a man to say it to his daughter is a plain-old dick move. Sorry I haven't joined the millionaires' circle at age 25, Dad. I'll get right on that.

Update: 12-29-07

10. "You're a loud-mouth bitch with a fat ass."

-Dad, when I was 14, 5'8", and 130 pounds. Further explanation not required.

posted by platkat @ 3:28 PM