Haven’t done one of these in awhile. This time I’ll paste too so the ad will be timeless.
I have seen you many times in Ballard but have never had the nerve to say hello. You have short dark red hair and blue eyes, with a curvy figure and long fingernails. You are older than me, by how much I don’t know (late 30’s maybe? don’t be mad if I’m wrong!), and you have that sexy cougar thing going on. I have seen you at Bartell’s, Thaiku, Safeway, the BalMar, Hattie’s, Sonic Boom, and Archie’s. Do you live in Ballard? I’m the guy with short black hair, pierced ears, tattoos on both arms, 5′11″ and 185 lbs. At Sonic Boom I was able to see you weren’t wearing a wedding ring. I hope you’re single, and I hope you read this. I’d like to buy you a drink.
While I believe that younger men with crushes on attractive, older women is the most adorable thing in the world, this post raises a few questions. He’s seen the object of his affection in over a half-dozen places, so why doesn’t he just ask her out? This isn’t really a “missed connection.” He’s practically stalking her!
Also, if she’s that much older, she may not be as well-versed in the interwebs as us young twenty-somethings. I know I’m making a harsh generalization here, but I wouldn’t be able to do it if it weren’t mostly true. In fact, this finely aged woman is assumed to be in her late thirties by her admirer. She’s probably actually in her forties and could be as old as 50! That calls to mind my mother’s successful attempts to master the art of online chat and her innate fear of using a credit card to buy something online. My mother is rather well-educated compared to the masses, but due to her age, it’s highly doubtful she even knows what Craiglist is, let alone what to do once she’s there. Why would this guy think she’s checking the Missed Connections secion?
One more thought… a minor one, and I’m directing it right at you, buddy. You need to think about what you’re saying here: “Late thirties maybe? Don’t be mad if I’m wrong!” Why would she get mad when she can simply not contact you? Likelier still, if we ignore the statistical correlation between age and internet usage that I nod to in the above paragraph and assume she is even reading this ad, couldn’t she just assume you’re not talking about her because you got the age wrong? That was a rhetorical question. Of course she could.
Anyway, in case our young pierced and tattooed lover boy takes a break from broken-in beaver-chasing and happens to come across this post, I have some advice. Be a man and ask her out. If she agrees to spend time with your humble fledgling soul, continue being a man. Ignore the age difference, treat her like a lady, and act as mature as possible. But first and foremost, be a man.
Godspeed, my friend.