Why the fuck do we have so many fucking koozies? Seriously, was there ever an invention that seemed like such a good idea but turned out to be a source of kitchen clutter rivaled only by Tupperware?
The item itself seems like such a good idea–it keeps your drink cold. Wunderbar! But how often do people use koozies? Ask yourself, when was the last time you were at home and thinking, “I’m about to enjoy a delicious 12-ounce beverage. I would hate for a single second of the enjoyment I will receive from this beverage to be marred by an ambient temperature which I cannot control.” Or if you’re simple, “Hey there Mr. Drink, I gots koozies. Let me show you them.”
The answer is never. They are a modern convenience so minor that no one bothers to use them.
So why does every single company, music festival, sporting event, birthday party, and natural disaster need its own koozie? More importantly, why are there so damn many of them in MY house? It’s like they breed while I sleep. The Miller Lite koozie gets with the Yep Roc Records koozie and it’s fucking on. Or maybe they don’t even need each other. Since koozies are all both innies and outies, they’ve found some way to asexually reproduce. Like worms.
Except worms are better than koozies! There are no worms living in my house!!
I thought when we moved to New York, we got rid of Koozie Town, which pretty much dominated the Upper Shelves of the North Cabinets. However, it’s possible that we may have experienced a few stowaways in a box containing tumblers and wine glasses.
But I guess I can’t blame these freeloading cloth/foam/unidentified material can-sized culprits alone. Gus just went on a corporate recruiting trip. Instead of bringing back cool things akin to the Bloomberg terminal-themed Rubik’s cube or buttons with cheeky phrases on them, or useful things like pens and paper or a job for me, he brought back koozies.
When I was cleaning up our squatter’s paradise, I counted only four. They seemed innocuous enough, so I put them in the cabinet without question. Now, there are four MILLION. I could probably use a koozie for every shitty light beer or Mountain Dew I will ever drink for the rest of my life and be able to throw away the koozie with the can without ever running out.
It seems like a good thing, but in most people’s eyes, it’s more work to scrounge around for a koozie and get the damn thing on and off the can than it’s worth to drink something without fearing it will get warm. And while I’m speaking for the general public (with whom I often disagree and vice-versa), most would agree that if you like the thing you’re drinking, you’re probably not going to let it sit long enough to get warm in the first place.
Actually, has anyone ever even tested these things for performance? Do they even work? They obviously keep your hands from getting cold if you’re drinking something that’s been kept in an ice chest all day, but if you’re going to be such a fucking wuss about it, maybe you should sit at the kiddie table and drink a juice box. I wonder if the average refrigerated drink stays cooler longer in a koozie once placed in room temperature versus one without. Since koozies are evil and trying to take over my kitchen, the correct answer is probably not.
Watch as I give the middle finger to koozies all over the planet. I don’t care how cool your logo is or how free and foamy you are. Fuck off! We don’t need you! You only exist because some companies are too cheap to buy squishy toys.
It’s time to take a stand against koozies. We’ve had enough. And now I’m thirsty.
See also: Java Jackets.
