PlatKat.com

I’ve got nowhere to go
Just hang out on the street
My folks say I’ve got no ambition
At least I give a shit
About the stuff I eat
Yeah! I care about nutrition

–The Dead Milkmen

I recently read someone’s mini-rant about people with food issues. While the rant is partially warranted, I’d like to expound on the issue. Almost everyone has a list of certain foods they can and can’t, will and won’t eat. It’s the people who make their food issues public knowledge at every opportunity that really need a good kick in the pie hole.

“I can’t fish. If I do, my throat will close up and I’ll die.”

Was that really necessary? Order the steak or a salad or something. I don’t care what happens to you when you eat peanuts, dairy, fish, salt, escargot, chocolate, etc. And it’s not because I don’t care about your health and comfort. Believe me, I do. Even the idea of you becoming flushed and convulsing on the floor in front of me doesn’t scare or repulse me. I don’t tend to think about emergencies until they happen, so the picture is not even in my mind.

My issue with discussing your dietary restrictions is that it’s not an interesting topic. It probably sounds cool in your head, telling everyone a story of your brush with death at a Sunday backyard barbecue because you ate beef instead of a veggie burger. Trust me, it’s not at all compelling. You weren’t maxing out your Saleen S7 Twin Turbo (drool) or climbing Mt. Everest. You were eating food. People do it all the time. You were either being careless and ate something you shouldn’t have, or you were being an attention whore and overreacting to a restriction you placed on yourself. Either way, I’m not interested.

But these folks are not the only group in need of a good pie-hole-kicking. There is another set of people who make it their business to know what everyone’s eating and feel the need to spout their unrequested opinion of it. Once again, I am not interested.

“Whatcha got there? Tuna sandwich? I can’t stand tuna. I really like cheddar cheese though. Sometimes I melt it on bread. Do you ever do that? Diet Mountain Dew. That’s pretty good. I like the regular kind better.”

Funny, I don’t remember asking what you thought of tuna. In fact, I thought I’d eat today to fill my stomach rather than present a topic for debate. But if you just like talking to hear the sound of your own voice, maybe we could discuss why you’re ruining a perfectly good lunch with your irritating small talk. There’s so much going on in the world, from major international conflicts to jewelry sales on Third Avenue. We could talk about all kinds of stuff. Why waste words on the food I’m eating, especially if you’re not a fan? I’m not asking you to eat it.

I conclude that it’s fine to have likes and dislikes and opinions on the topic of food, but you’re not going to make many friends by sharing them. Much like religious beliefs, I try to keep my dietary needs to myself and share them only with close friends and family, and I wish others would do the same.

On that note, this is Day 8 of my fourth Master Cleanse, and I’m planning to take another trip to Atlantic City this weekend. I’ve traveled while doing the cleanse before, and I did my best to downplay the oddity of it all. It should be really easy this time because I’m going with Gus and he already knows how FUBARed I am.

Am I a hypocrite for mentioning the MC in the same post as a rant about finicky foodies? Nah. If you’re still reading, you’re probably somewhat interested in how I’m doing, so this is a good forum for discussing all things Kat… even this. Besides, an innocuous blog post is a far cry from invading someone’s physical space with a barrage of dietary comments. Just wanted to throw in a little self-defense in case Mr. Anonymous decides to hop on and start flaming.

May your mouths be too full to talk about it!