PlatKat.com

As part of my civic duty to protect the environment and better society, I have provided vision correction for exactly one dozen Peeps rabbits.

Most people aren’t aware of this, but the population of Peeps has been deteriorating rapidly ever since Easter Sunday and shows no sign of leveling off. We must preserve the Peeps population and maintain the balance of the fragile ecosystem to which they belong. So, for about the price of… well nothing very expensive, I gave these little pink sugar-boogers something you can’t buy in a store: hope.

Thanks to my contribution, these Peeps are less likely to fall victim to human fatasses. By donning large, plastic googley eyes as fake as the sugar they’re made of, the Peeps I have sponsored are now considered inedible by the average human fatass and will likely remain free from harm for the rest of their natural lives.

Human fatasses are Peeps’ natural predators, and they currently outnumber Peeps by an alarming amount. According to a statistic that I just made up, the fatass-to-Peep ratio is 500 to 1. Unfortunately, the average human fatass will eat up to a half-dozen Peeps in one sitting.

It is crucial that we preserve the appropriate number of Peeps so they can continue rapidly procreating as their cousins, the bunnies, have been procreating for centuries. I feel good knowing that the Peeps I’m helping will live comfortable and satisfying lives—with plenty of chances to multiply—before dying a natural death by hardening in their sleep.

So, let’s all pitch in and make sure the precarious Peeps population is perfectly patterned so that we can enjoy their rich diversity for many Easter Sundays in the future.