PlatKat.com: 26.2 at 26.2

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

26.2 at 26.2

That's right, I did it! The AT&T Marathon is finally over and I ran the whole thing. I wouldn't allow myself to stop or walk at all except for water stops, so I finished under my projected time of five hours. My goal was simply to finish, no matter how long it took, but my official time ended up being 4:44:40. I love when numbers repeat themselves (for example, the street corner where I live). As many would guess, running this marathon was rather emotional for me, even though I wasn't racing or even trying to achieve a personal best.

The race started off chilly and I was happy to have Brent at my side to help me pace myself for the first 10 miles. The first part of any long race is the trickiest because you think you have more energy than you really do, so you want to run faster than you probably should.

The sun rose quickly as Brent and I ran through my favorite parts of South Austin (South Congress and First Streets) and parted ways in Tarrytown. By the time I reached North Loop, it was getting hot and I could already feel a sunburn on my face. I kept going, and various parts of my body kept hurting.

But I love pain. And why stop at physical pain when you can wallow in mental anguish as well? I started to reflect on the past year. I was so happy the first few months I was back in Austin from the Bay Area. I looked and felt terrific. I had wonderful friends, a good family, a loving partner, and all of life's necessities, plus a few cool extras. I was in a mental state I could be proud of—I was often level-headed and kind, and I was confident that most people respected me, whether a tight friend or a loose acquaintance.

At some point, I suppose when my job was in full-swing, things went awry. I started giving my time and energy to people who filled my head with doubt or just plain didn't care about me. In attempts to build more friendships, I ended up wasting myself on an unsalvagable group of people instead of remembering all the things about my life that are truly fantastic. I've always had the cool things in my life that I mentioned above, but for a period of time, I neglected to recognize and appreciate them.

Knowing when to give up has never been a skill of mine, and many of the positive aspects of my life suffered as a result. I went from friendly, goofy, and fun to moody, restless, and unsure. I don't think I'd been in such an inconceivably bad mental rut since I was a freakin' teenager.

I thought moving to New York would give me a chance to start over, but keeping my job in Austin probably cancelled out whatever new beginnings I allowed myself to experience. Losing my job a couple weeks ago was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. My boss broke a connection this month that I should have broken myself back in May when Gus got hired at Bloomberg.

Even though I eventually moved up to New York so I could be with Gus, I wasn't really all there. I needed a New York job with New York friends and a whole New York life. Depending on going back to Austin for social interaction was a mess; each trip was like mixing oil and water. I'd get to visit all my friends, but I couldn't fully enjoy it because I was preoccupied with issues at work.

On a superficial level, I had a sweet setup. I was able to work from home so I could easily train for my marathon. I got to come back to Austin and party with my friends for free. But no matter what, there was a dark cloud looming over me that wouldn't go away. I would run to the ends of the earth, drink myself into a stupor, eat like the Greeks, fast for days, travel in search of something that would excite me, write like I was gonna sell it... I put my body and mind through a zillion extremes constantly, thinking I could shake that un-right feeling. I think I knew all along what the problem was and I was just too afraid to do anything about it.

I'm just glad it's all over. Work, the marathon, all of it. My braces are coming off in less than six weeks and soon I'll sell my car. I'll finally pull back that one toe I've had dipped in Austin for so long and become a true resident of New York.

Coming back to Texas for the specific purpose of running the marathon and spending time with my people has helped me rediscover that I am a good person and I have the potential to make a positive impact on those around me. I don't need to look perfect, I don't need to drink to be interesting, and I definitely don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks. I have a good family, the nicest friends in the world, and a total godsend of a man who watched me hit rock bottom (to his own detriment as well as mine) and had the faith that I was strong enough to pull through and return to being the fun, happy person he fell in love with.

And just for the record, I'm feeling good. Certain people had their minds made up that I would be out of commission for at least a day after running a marathon. I'm happy to report that I accomplished many of life's administrative tasks yesterday (oil change, vet visit, etc.), and I got to do some fun stuff too. Things are looking a lot rosier, indeed. For real this time.

posted by platkat @ 6:30 AM