Do you struggle with telling people close to you how you really feel about them? Do you worry about burning your bridges or creating a permanent rift between you and someone important? Do you not have the heart or the words to describe your feelings?
Then it’s time to discover Drunkat, a timeless treasure that has already opened the eyes of millions of people across the world. Drunkat is the ultimate affordable and easy-to-use product to get everything out in the open. With a heart made purely of solid lead and an artillery of only the harshest words, Drunkat will quickly burn your bridges for you and leave your happy ass virtually blame-free.
You’d probably expect to pay upwards of $300 for this high-quality product.
$300 Nope, think again.
A competing product might cost $200.
$200 No, go lower than that.
We would be crazy to let this go for $100.
$100 Just say what the price is, you fucking asshole.
If you call now, you can get this amazing product for just three easy payments of $29.99 (plus the cost of alcohol). Wow, what a deal! And for a limited time only, we’ll also throw in a signature Drunkat barf bucket and Drunkat 9mm handgun as our FREE gifts to you!
And, as part of a special bonus promotion, if you call within the next 15 minutes, the first week’s worth of alcohol is free of charge. That’s right, you get Drunkat, the Drunkat barf bucket, the Drunkat 9mm handgun, AND a week’s worth of alcohol for JUST three easy payments of $29.99. That’s right, this special Drunkat kit comes with everything you see here:
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If you’re unsatisfied with Drunkat for any reason, you may return Drunkat for a FULL REFUND and keep the Drunkat barf bucket and 9mm handgun as our gifts to you. What are you waiting for? This offer is too good to pass up! Call now!
Still not sure what Drunkat can do for you? Take a look at these fabulous testimonials and celebrity endorsements!!
“I’ve always wanted to curse like a sailor in front of my mother, but was worried about how she’d react. I invited Drunkat over for Thanksgiving and she did all the swearing for me. Watching mom getting struck speechless was funny, and it wasn’t even my fault. Thanks, Drunkat!” -Heather N., Far Hills, NJ
“Lately I’ve been trying to clean up my public image, so I’ve been doing less cocaine. However, without all the mindless slurring and arm-waving, I’m just another boring celebrity. I got Drunkat and she does all the stupid shit so I don’t have to. Drunkat, baby!” -Anna Nicole Smith, Los Angeles, CA
“I had no idea my coworkers thought I was a douchebag until I ran into Drunkat at a party. I asked her to pass me the chips, and she not only informed me that I was a total douche, but she also told me exactly why. Now I’m on the road to recovery and that stupid bitch should see me now!” -Anonymous, Austin, TX
“This girl I dated once started stalking me and calling my house at all hours of the night. It was really getting on my nerves so I called Drunkat. After beating my stalker into verbal submission, she hung out afterward and graphically described all the things she wants to do to my naked body. That kind of scared me, but at least no one’s calling my house anymore.” -Chirag M., St. Petersburg, FL
“Apparently, I’m a great manager and shouldn’t change a thing about how I conduct business. We had Drunkat at our company party and she had all kinds of nice things to say about how cute my children are, how good with people I am, and even how clean my desk is. It was the confidence boost I needed as my team faced the challenges of the upcoming quarter. Drunkat is great!” -Kitt F., Cincinnati, OH
“I was admiring a fine lady in one of New York’s premiere VIP nightclubs, but I’m actually quite shy when it comes to talking to women. I told Drunkat about the object of my affection and before you could say ‘fo’ shizzle’, she hooked me up with the fly-ass ho and we was out tha do’. Drunkat saved my sex life!” -Snoop Dogg, Long Beach, CA
“Drunkat said she wanted to have sex with me. And my brother. Her speech was pretty unintelligible after that, but I’m flattered… I guess.” -Bryan C., Plainfield, IL
“One of my friends tried to invite a guy that most of us don’t like to a party I was throwing. Drunkat called the unwanted guest and told him that no one likes him and that he should just stay home. I don’t care how he took it, I’m just glad Drunkat was around to handle the whole thing so I didn’t have to worry about explaining his absence to my guests.” -Sean B., Baton Rouge, LA
“I went to a SXSW show at Emo’s a couple years ago. It was okay, but nothing special. Out of nowhere, Drunkat yelled, ‘This music fucking sucks!’ and threw a chair at the stage. As some guys carried her out of the club and stuffed her in a cab, I started thinking about it and came to the conclusion that the music really did suck. I was so busy trying to look cooler than everyone else that I didn’t realize I was watching the lamest band at SXSW. Thanks, Drunkat!” -Some Fucking Hipster, Denton, TX
“Drunkat cut her pubes over my toilet and didn’t flush. I’m not really sure what to say.” -Jason R., Austin, TX
Pick up the phone and order now. Money orders, personal checks, and all major credit cards are accepted. No CODs please. And remember…
Drunkat means never having to say you’re sorry.
Heather says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.
You have way too much time on your hands during the day, girl.
And you forgot the part about dissing my MAIN GIRL JENN HARMAN! Now that we can throw down over…
November 28, 2006, 5:13 pmTexas Hippie says:
Awesome! If I had a Drunkat I know what my testimonial would sound like…
“A coworker of mine is a boring gasbag and I dread group outings. Now with Drunkat I can enjoy team-building! Mr. Gasbag leaves me alone, and Drunkat’s semi-conscious head-bobbing can be mistaken for engaged interest!”
And it brings a whole new meaning to the tired exaggeration, “that awful conversation made me vomit in my mouth a little.”
November 28, 2006, 6:09 pmAnonymous says:
Nice ink.
November 28, 2006, 9:38 pmgus away from the metroplaza says:
Does the gun come in blue?
November 28, 2006, 10:36 pmRazz Master says:
Very funny. They have a similar product here in Long Beach, it’s called DrunkMark. He is free, all you have do is add whiskey.
November 29, 2006, 4:40 pmAnonymous says:
Possibly the worst piece of drivel written in blog history. It is surely time to hang up your keyboard and take up some new career in the service industry, perhaps something along the lines with those fuzzy ears. Not only is the humor blasé but the prose and name tagging pitiful. Well, I suppose, it is your blog and perhaps entertaining to lonely expats living in Peru so hammer away with further offerings. Certainly there is some segment of the hospital bound who find therapy in your sorry attempts of on line amusement. Hmm, this Drunkat seems to be working.
November 30, 2006, 2:25 pmplatkat says:
After reading the last comment, I had no strong feelings of anger, regret, pride, or hatred. Anonymous, I think your Drunkat is broken. Unfortunately, I cannot refund your money because you were too much of a pussy to leave your name. My humblest apologies. On a positive note, the barf bucket and handgun are yours to keep and I do hope you enjoy them. Thank you for your interest in Drunkat Industries, Inc.
December 1, 2006, 3:23 pmSlayre says:
“this special Drunkat kit comes with everything you see here”
the girl too?
December 4, 2006, 2:43 pmriceowl03 says:
Wow… now the Anna Nicole thing is just- creepy. Do I believe in zombies? I forget.
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