Monday, October 16, 2006
Shocked and Appalled
You know, it's funny... You pump a bunch of apes full of adrenaline (and who knows what else), make them eat, sleep, and breathe a frivilous sport rooted in violence, and dress them in body armor heavier than most people can lift--You'd really think they'd know how to behave themselves on the field. So, when I turned on the morning news and saw 11 University of Miami players thrashing it out with 18 Florida International University players, I was naturally amazed to see such ruffianism taking place in the fine, upstanding world of college football.
It is quite surprising that with all the good encouragement these young men are given to study hard, respect their elders, mind their manners, and make a positive difference in this world, these same men, when wearing bright costumes and given a small brown ball, would go batshit crazy and try to inflict pain upon one another.
I am perplexed that a columnist at ESPN would say that the initial punishment of one suspension wasn't a harsh enough penalty for this little group squabble. These guys have really been through a lot, accepting gifts from sports-loving alums, drifting through college barely attending class, and ignoring the basic standards of daily decorum that are second nature to most students attending college. If anyone has respect for rules and regulations, it's these guys. They've only done stuff like this a few other (million) times, and I bet all the players swore they'd never do it again (until next time). Come on, have a heart!
And I'm sure this talk of the players abusing their coach's kind leniency is all made up. I mean, a football player bending the rules to their advantage and doing whatever the hell they want? I don't think I'd believe it if I saw it! These guys have been convinced since childhood that they deserve to live like kings because they can remember some plays and beat up on some other dudes wearing costumes different from their own. Gentlemen with such integrity and personal value to our society do not deserve to be suspended indefinitely from their precious game, and it's really a shame that only their loving granddaddy of a coach can see that.
Good thing we have such brilliant sports announcers in this tumultuous business to support the players' rights to ignore the well-being of those other than themselves... all the damn time. The only chances players get to throw their weight around and disregard everyone else's needs for their own pleasure is when they're not playing or practicing. Why, there just aren't enough hours in the day! These guys are heroes for giving so much back the world; how have we waited this long to let them just be themselves on the field and act like the primordial beings from which the human race was spawned?
"Now, that's what I'm talking about!"
I agree, Mr. Easiest-Job-On-Earth! Let these guys have their fun. In fact, let's make a new rule: No more suspensions for violent acts, whatsoever. Maybe the future of mankind will get lucky and they'll beat themselves into one division, which slowly decimates until football is obliterated from the earth forever.
