PlatKat.com: PlatKat's Tips for Making the Best of Your Arrest

Sunday, September 10, 2006

PlatKat's Tips for Making the Best of Your Arrest

Congratulations, KATHERINE A. TAYLOR, you may have already won a bench warrant for your arrest!

This all started several months ago when I got pulled over and falsely accused of running a stop sign by an asshole jungle cop hanging out in some trees. Since there isn't any real crime in the area where I work (actually, there isn't much of anything in the area where I work), I got a huge ticket, which I promptly crumpled up and jammed into the glove compartment.

I expected to receive a notice to appear in court so I could fight the ticket. Instead, much much later, I got a notice saying I didn't show up to a court date that they didn't tell me about, so there is a bench warrant out for my arrest. What's really neat about bench warrants is that not only do you get automatically arrested if you come into contact with any law enforcement for any reason, you will also receive an unscheduled visit from law enforcement with the sole purpose of arresting you at your home (no big deal) or your place of employment (BIG DEAL!).

Had I not just begun a two-week trip to Austin to take care of some things at the office, I'd have probably put this off a little longer. Life is short, and sometimes you get lucky.

Anyway, I made the call that I needed to make and things should be getting taken care of this week. But meanwhile, I've been making sure that I am properly prepared to get arrested, should the occassion arise.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to get arrested. I don't even want to accept that I might be getting arrested. I have a lot on my plate at work right now and need every second at the office I can possibly get. Also, I have some other personal, administrative-life stuff that I must take care of while I'm here.

However, I have to be realistic and I have to be prepared. Introducing PlatKat's Tips for Making the Best of Your Arrest:

1. Carry a sweater or sweatshirt with you at all times. No matter where they pick you up, they're not going to let you stop and collect your stuff before they shove you in a car and haul your ass away. Jail is really fucking cold, and you can usually plan on spending several hours waiting to get booked. I would advise against keeping a jacket or coat on hand in lieu of the sweater or sweatshirt, as the former garments contain pockets, so they'll likely make you remove them.

2. Tell some friends what's going on. That way, when they don't hear from you for a few days, they know where you are (and hopefully, are coming up with a plan to get you out).

3. Memorize the phone numbers of your friends with land lines. You can't make collect calls to cell phones, and if you're like me, 99% of the phone numbers you know are for cell phones. If you don't have any friends with land lines... make some.

4. Think about telling your boss what happened. After all, he didn't fly you all the way back to the Danger Zone just so you could get thrown in the slammer. Then, remember what a ridiculous idea that is and just tell some coworkers instead. He doesn't need to know something might happen. He just needs to know when something does happen.

5. Have several thousand dollars in an account that someone close to you can access, just in case the fuckers won't release you on your own recognizance.

6. Read The Book of Questions and memorize your favorites. You're about to have a lot of time on your hands to sit around and talk to a bunch of people you don't know. And if you're reading this post, you're probably a lot smarter than most of your potential cell mates. (Don't get all high and mighty now; you still weren't smart enough to keep your ass out of jail.) You're going to want to keep things interesting without getting the shit beaten out of you. So talk about what you'd do with a million dollars or the person you'd most want to be with on a deserted island. Keep in mind that this tip only applies to jail, not prison. If you're in prison, keep your head down and shut the hell up for the next twenty-five years to life. Your days of keeping yourself from a burning hell of pyschological torment are over.

7. Eat a big delicious meal. (I've done that several times today.) You won't want to eat whatever they got in there, trust me. Also, make sure you're getting at least the US RDA of all the essential vitamins and minerals (so eat some veggies) to make up for the fact that you'll be willingly handing over your nasty food to some fat chick with a weave.

8. Don't listen to a lot of music. If you're filling your ears with noises and are suddenly surrounded by uncontrollable silence, you'll go through a withdrawal so miserable, even the babies crawling on the ceiling are scared to show up. Don't believe me? Try it.

9. Stay well groomed. Most people do this anyway, but I'll admit that I slack in a few departments. Not when it comes to basic hygiene, you meanie. Just the tweezing and the shaving and straightening and the polishing. You'll have none of the tools once you're in, so try to keep yourself from feeling skanky as long as possible by staying in top condition while you're out.

10. Act normal. Sure, you'll be surprised when they come to detain you. You may also be mad, scared, worried, pissed, helpless, creeped out, confused, annoyed, horrified, naseous, enraged, anxious, upset, achy, dumbfounded, indignant, sad, clumsy, weak, cowardly, defiant, idiotic, and befuddled. Right as you are to have these emotions, making a scene of any kind will only solidify the event in your mind, and those of everyone around you. Keep it graceful, and you'll be remembered as tasteful.

Addendum: I touched on, but did not thoroughly cover, what one should do while in jail. That information was purposely omitted, as were obvious tips such as "Ditch the drugs" and "Don't do illegal shit."

In conclusion, life throws some harsh stuff at you sometimes. All you can do is be ready, and look really really good when the shit hits the fan.

posted by platkat @ 10:39 PM