PlatKat.com: Acceptance Speech

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Acceptance Speech

Wow... oh my God! Thank you, thank you so much. I am so, so grateful to be receiving such a distinguished award. I never thought I'd be at this podium celebrating my achievements for having the Totally Disgusting Kitchen of the Year.

Ha-ha! Wow, oh my God you guys, sit down! Well, of course, I'd first like to thank everyone at the Academy of Nasty Kitchens for even considering my humble little roach factory to be even slightly on par with all of the vile cesspools of thriving shit in the world today. I also want to thank Lesser Homes and Gardens for devoting 20 whole pages to a cover story and photo essay showing the years of hard work we've put into making our ramshackle dwelling into a true hovel.

I definitely want to thank all of my friends. No matter what you could be doing most weekend nights, you show up at my house time after time, usually careless and shit-faced, ready to eat up all my eatins and drink up all my drinkins. I especially want to thank whoever sneakily hid that banana peel so it could properly rot in my pantry for three weeks, and whoever spilled that beer on the inside of my fridge door, and whoever tried to throw that giant slab of meat into the sink, but missed the sink and gave my cabinets an impromptu staining instead. You guys are the best!

I've really gotta give it up for the makers of Ball Park Beef Franks for preserving hot dogs in some watery slime that eventually leaks out of the package causing it to stick to the shelf of my fridge and leaves a sticky residue once I'm finally able to jerk them loose. [There's innuendo hidden here. Can you find it?] And thanks to the strawberry packers of Texas for always remembering to throw in a few overly ripe strawberries near the bottom of the multi-holed containers so the red goo can ooze through onto the rest of my fruit and vegetables.

A big hells-yeah goes out to Sam's Club for selling chopped broccoli in three-pound bags, which a family of 18 paired with a pack of ravenous bunnies couldn't even begin to finish. Usually I just buy broccoli and forget about it, but the smell this broccoli emitted after just a few short days of negligence ensured I would remember it forever!

Oh yeah, and thanks to Rubbermaid for making my garbage can too small so shit is always falling out of it or behind it. And thanks to my little dog Zoey for pulling shit out of it when something smells particularly foul.

Okay, okay, I swear I'm almost done. I told my agent that I wasn't going to give a really long speech because I didn't want to come off like one of those total jerks who acts like they're so cool just because they won some great award even though everyone could easily forget about them before not even a year goes by and they're living out of a trash can wearily reminscining about what could have been and what used to be. Whew! Oh, and I want to say thanks to my agent!! (What do you actually do anyway?) Seriously. I'm totally finishing right now. I'm just so... so... oh my God y'all... shut up!

Well... I also want to thank Jesus and God and the Virgin Mary and St. Thomas Aquinas and Moses and that one dude with that ark and the animals on it and all dem other holy mutha fucks up there for making all my dreams come true. No matter how much fame, money, and power comes my way, I'll always be a soldier of the Lord. I will always keep the Lord in my heart, for he is the true creator of all that is ostentatiously sloppy, confusingly gross, and deservedly award-winning.

*sigh* And of course, I want to thank the fans... All of you folks who show up at my house who don't really know me that well but can feel comfortable enough to go through my fridge and pantry, eat my food, and leave the remains wherever they land... It's really all about you tonight. Because if you didn't exist, well, my kitchen would be just another half-unkempt room in the house instead of the raving shithole it deserves to be!

Thank you so much! Good night, everyone!

*crescendo reaches climax*

*Kat is escorted offstage by an unusually large cane*

*Kat reaches climax... somewhere else... minus the cane... really*

posted by platkat @ 7:09 PM