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I was having a pretty boring day, so this afternoon I got ordained as a minister at the Universal Life Church. As the site says, I can now perform wedding ceremonies, baptisms, house blessings, and any other ritual or ceremony, AND I can start my own ministry. Having all these new authorizations really spiced up my day.

This all happened not a moment too soon, as my friend at work (who takes religious rites very seriously) is in need of a charismatic clergyperson like myself to preside at her wedding. Now that I carry the authentic credentials to perform such a task, it is only natural that I graciously offer my services. As I am clearly a definitive authority in all matters concerning strong, long-lasting, unbreakable commitments and have the quality expertise to counsel young couples in such matters, I will probably start my own wedding business in the near future, charging a small fee in the neighborhood of eight thousand dollars and a trip to Honduras.

Since this will be my first wedding, I’ve gotta admit that I’m a little nervous. There are a bunch of books and kits I can buy, but in the end I’m gonna totally cheap out and just wing it. Every wedding is different, so no one will think I’m doing anything wrong when I show up in a Hawaiian mumu and recite the words to “All the Way” by Frank Sinatra.

*cry* So beautiful! The only thing better than a wedding is a funeral.