PlatKat.com: Why the Ford Freestyle Is the Worst Car Ever Built

Friday, February 03, 2006

Why the Ford Freestyle Is the Worst Car Ever Built

It's an SUV
I hate SUVs. They're bad for the environment, and everyone who has one drives like their head is stuck in their ass. It's far worse in Texas (I am in Colorado at the moment), but it's clearly not practical to have an SUV anywhere with tight spaces (the parking garage), city streets (smaller lanes, lots of turns, etc.), or a confusing highway system (they call the junction I braved through this morning "the mousetrap"). Or pretty much anywhere that has other people driving in motor vehicles at all.

It was designed with midgets in mind
I have nothing against our little friends, but measuring in at 5'9", there's no reason I should be driving their cars. Based on the location and upper curve of the steering wheel and its alignment with the dash, someone very small needs to be driving this car in order to see the full dash display. I find myself having to "duck" to look at some of the gauges. It seems like some people buy SUVs because they have a superiority complex where they think they should be bigger and taller than everyone else. But with all this ducking, I look like a meek, pathetic individual who's trying to hide my loser-ass behind the facade of a large, unnecessary motor vehicle.

No visibility in the rear view mirror
The top part of the mirror is reflecting the assortment of buttons that control the sun/moon/interstellar planetary moon roof. Most of the bottom half is covered by the headrests of the ridiculously inaccessible third row of seats. Which brings me to my next point...

The ridiculously inaccessible third row of seats
Who sits in these seats? "Beam me into the third row of seats, Scotty." There is no third set of doors that allow one to directly sit in the seats, nor is there any floor space near the second row of seats where one can slide into the very back of the SUV/small apartment on wheels. I would assume the seats are removable, but how often is the average person going to mess with that? I'm sure they aren't light, and the trophy wives to whom this car is marketed do not want to break their nails on sliding and pulling and lifting things. Their stupid kids can sit in a Tahoe, right?

Hard-to-find interior lighting
So I finally get my car and it's late at night. I'm in Denver and I have no idea where the fuck I'm going. I might want to look at a map and find out where to go, right? And I might need light because my super-fancy-and-painful eye surgery didn't come with night vision, right? My hand hits the roof, searching for a button or switch of some type. Hey, a moveable roof. That rules out having the lights anywhere useful and intuitive. Let's continue searching to see if they exist at all. Hey, all the buttons controlling the moveable roof. Super. Hey, a small storage compartment. Great. Hey... nothing. Okay, so eventually I found some lights (after first using the lights by the vanity mirror in my visor, which I pushed as far back into the windshield as it could go), but it would have been nice to be able to get to those before all the superfluous features that I doubt I'll ever use.

Anyway, I've been driving this short bus for a day, and it's been the worst day of my life. I will probably find many more flaws as my trip continues. Before I get a zillion comments (ha) asking why I rented this car in the first place, I can only say that Hertz offered me an "upgrade" (ha again), I didn't know what a Freestyle was, it was 10 at night (felt like 11), and I just wanted to go to bed. And I'll admit, that could be a final reason I think the Freestyle sucks so hard: I need a nap. Good bloody night!

posted by platkat @ 12:43 PM