PlatKat.com: New Year's Resolutions

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

My New Year's resolutions are the same every year. Be a better person, make healthier decisions, etc. These aren't clear, tangible goals and due to their open-ended nature, I'm not going to base anything on them (only to forget about them mid-February at best like everyone else does). So, here's a once-off list of New Year's resolutions that some other people can make. These are a lot more important for the good of mankind than whether or not I eat a burrito.

People from Houston
Stop being jerks. Yeah, you're dressed up in your favorite designer for a night on the town. Super. You got a nice house in the Woodlands, no, actually, you're going to buy a nice house in the Woodlands as soon as that job you spend an hour a day commuting to finally realizes what you're worth. Whatever. Just remember that Houston is a big freaking armpit with bad weather, worse traffic, no music scene, no shopping that isn't in the Galleria, and no cuisine that isn't steak. You're not making it any better by acting like a fucking asshole.

Nightclub Bouncers
No YOU, seriously, stop being jerks. Especially if you're short. Everyone knows a muscley dude who's only 5'4 is a just a moron with a Napoleonic complex. And if you're big, how cool do you look when you're pushing around a few chicks who just want to go to a club and dance? Furthermore, how cool are you when the occasional dude who's bigger than you walks in and you have to act chill and non-defensive, even though he doesn't have an ID and is likely to kick your ass with silent haste if you don't let him in anyway? The answer to both questions is "Not cool. You're a jackass."

Poker Players who Chronically Overbid
You can keep doing this, but you probably won't be in business very long. What you can't keep doing, however, is telling me at the end of my winning hand that I played poorly. Obviously, I did something right. The cash I leave with proves my point. Furthermore, who the hell are you to be giving advice? We're playing $3/6 limit or a $20 sit-and-go on Party Poker. If you're some great player, shouldn't I have seen you at the final table at the WSOP, or at least at Bay 101 waiting for the $40/80 table?

People who Drive Below the Speed Limit in the Left Lane
Don't drive below the speed limit in the left lane!! Jeeeeez. Usually, there are at least two other lanes to choose from. The point of highways and major roads is so people can go places quickly. If you don't want to get to your destination quickly, or are afraid to go the full 65 mph on the highway, take surface roads instead, or if you must, stay in the right lane. Thanks.

Under-Confident Attention Whores
Stop making us all pay attention to you if every action is going to take us one rung deeper into your circles of self-hatred. If you hate yourself as much as we can see you do, chances are a lot of us hate you too. Also, no one is obligated to make you feel better about the miserable person you are, so just go away until you can be mature and fun to hang out with.

Ryan Seacrest's Assassin(s)
This guy started as an emcee for American Idol and he's still "performing" at every even requiring a choad with a microphone. It's been over four years and he's still kicking. If someone doesn't step up soon, we could have another Dick Clark on our hands, and we all know what a disaster that can be. Get on the fucking ball guys!

posted by platkat @ 5:30 PM