Mary Kay took me out to lunch for my birthday. We went to Souper Salad, a buffet with soup, salad, and some other stuff I didn’t eat except for puddin’.
As I ate my puddin’ (“it’s from da can!” said Mary Kay), I watched an old woman shuffle up to the soup bar, grab a shitload of crackers, and hustle her way back to her table. There, another old woman at the table quickly took the crackers, placed them on a napkin, wrapped them up, and shoved them in her purse.
I caught her eye mid-wrap and she had the guiltiest look on her face. Old people kind of freak me out, so I didn’t stare. I looked away so she could finish cracker-wrapping in peace.
“Dey just crackas!” I told Mary Kay, concluding my account of the above events. She had gotten up to get more puddin’ from da can.
“Hahahahaha… sheeit,” she replied.
“Dem bitches get social security. Shit, mah nigga. If da govm’t be givin’ me checks I ain’t be stealin’ no damn crackas. But I ain’t gettin’ no social security. Fitty yeas from now, I be stealin’ crackas wishin’ I’da put more dollas in da 401K,” I said.
We went on to have an articulate conversation about how our company’s 401K plan compares to those of other companies.
Social security was the worst idea ever anyway. It’s so unsustainable, they should just get rid of it.
As soon as I die.