PlatKat.com: Gym Rules They Don't Post

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Gym Rules They Don't Post

...but you should follow anyway.

Brush your teeth.
You'll be breathing harder, which means your breath will have a longer range. Spare the rest of us. You brush before going almost anywhere else, so do it before you work out too.

Don't wear perfume/cologne.
You may think it smells good, but when I'm pressing 70 pounds of weight between my thighs and gasping for breath, I don't need to smell eau de Sunflowers (a fragrance that went out in the 90s, by the way). Same goes for guys: you'll sweat profusely whether you remembered your Designer Impostors or not, so do us all a favor and save it for the evening.

Don't stare.
Yes, I'm talking to you, old man on the ellipse next to me. Stop pretending you're looking for someone when I notice you because the jig is up when you do it for 30 minutes and no one shows. If you can't respectfully coexist in a gym with women, join an all-male gym and stop creeping me out. Which brings me to my next rule...

Don't spaz out on the equipment.
Yes, I'm still talking to you, old man on the ellipse next to me. You aren't doing much for your health when you break into full speed (for a whole 5 seconds) with your limbs and body flailing left and right, nearly causing the machine to tip over. You work out so you can feel younger and more attractive, right? Wanna know the key to looking young and attractive? Not acting like a freak!

Keep moaning and groaning to a minimum.
A little grunting and panting is in order when you're lifting 200 pounds above your head in a mighty feat of strength, but when you're stretching your legs after a 10-minute run? Give me a break. Do you make that much noise when you walk your dog?

Control your bowels.
This should be a widely followed rule of being human, but it goes double when you're in a hot, crowded gym. Unfortunately, I've witnessed a few slips of the ass since I joined and it's way more painful when you're sprinting on a treadmill than when you're out shopping and can escape quickly. Furthermore, I once had the poor luck of riding a stationary bike next to an older woman in Depends, which she appeared to be making use of, right then and there. Thanks a fucking lot, Oops I Crapped My Pants.

posted by platkat @ 11:57 AM