So, while I love my sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll (and junk food), my absolute favorite deadly sin is wrath. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve taken great pleasure in undercutting the punks who crossed me. I had a hit list and everything.
I don’t know how long it took me to figure it out, but as I matured, I found that the real asshats who seemed bent on hurting me had destructive personalities in general. These types of people are so blinded by their lack of compassion for everyone else that they end up causing their own misfortune. I don’t need to spend any of my precious time plotting revenge on these losers–I can just wait and they’ll do it for me!
Introducing my ex-boyfriend, Hurricane Katrina, and crystal meth.
My ex and I were together for eight excruciating months before I fled to the coolness and sanctity of Austin, Texas. In the last two or three of those months, I had pretty much given up and decided it would be easier to play out the rest of this trainwreck than deal with the drama of dumping him.
And there would be drama. This guy always had to freak out about something, even when everything was going fine. I couldn’t stand it. Everything was an argument, even really unimportant stuff like when to eat dinner or the meaning of a movie. I’m not the type to shy from an interesting two-sided discussion about something, but this was a lot of screaming and yelling. No actual points were argued. He also used the most long-winded speech I’ve ever heard and had this obnoxious Peruvian accent that I thought I’d get used to but never did.
He always tried to convince me that I was the problem. If I just obeyed him, everything would have been fine. Someone close to him confided that he doesn’t want a girl like that though, he wants someone “firey.” I don’t think I’m that outspoken, but I will speak up when someone:
-Tells me what to wear. Whether we were headed to The Great Wall Chinese Buffet (one of the tastiest places in Baton Rouge, but not the height of fine dining) or hanging out at home with his friends, I had to look stunning. Demanding AND superficial! Two great tastes that taste great togeth–wait, no.
-Points out and tells me to get rid of a zit on my face. This is especially comical because we were on a train to Machu Picchu. I had been staying in his humid, smoggy shithole of a country for several weeks and my skin was taking a beating. But apparently, looks are really important when you’re in the mountains visiting an ancient city. Also, acne is something that everyone can control and people only have it through some fault of their own, right?
-Forces me to have sex when I don’t feel like it. Enough said.
-Does mean things to his maids for no reason. I’m not a big fan of maids, but his parents had them. My tall ex had no problem with blocking these stumpy little mountain women in doorways and tight spaces, just because he could. He threw a brick at one when he was younger, which sent her to the hospital. Studly!
-Brings his parents into our disagreements. What a moron! Want to make a bad thing worse? Involve parents! His were of old money and didn’t work the entire time I knew him, so they had lots of free time to meddle in our affairs.
So that’s my ex, a jerk who constantly pointed out my faults (some of which were nonexistent) without paying any attention to his own. I blame myself for staying with him for so long; I was a self-destructive idiot at 19. I think many people were. So, I deserve most of the burden for my bad judgment, but he deserves his comeuppance for being a jerk.
Surely, you’ve read about the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina in the news, so you know how bad it was. When it hit, I pinged my friends in Louisiana to make sure everyone was accounted for. I had forgotten that my ex even lived there until he pinged me once he had electricity again. He’s at SLU in Hammond working on his MBA. Although he’s pushing 30, he’s been in college on Dad’s dime since he graduated high school and has yet to enter the work force.
Obviously, if Mom and Dad will pay for 11+ years of college, our little darling hasn’t spent much time without modern conveniences. Pobrecito. What hardship!
Even better than the devastating effects of the hurricane, he also told me about his current girlfriend. They were planning to move in together, until he found her doing crystal meth (scariest drug EVAR!) with some of her friends. Apparently, she’d been doing it a lot and he’d had enough. He made some over-the-top exit and sped away in his car. So, she, fucked up on meth, got in her car and started chasing him. How she was going to “catch” him is still to be determined. This isn’t Mario Kart. The weather was rainy and disgusting (typical of Louisiana), and they ended up getting in some kind of accident.
You want drama? There’s your drama, buddy! Have fun!
At last, laziness kept him in the path of a hurricane, craziness gave him a meth-head girlfriend, and schadenfreude is mine to enjoy. In addition, Hurricane Rita might hit Houston, current home of his meddling parents and another location I wouldn’t mind seeing wiped off the map. Thank you, God, fate, Mother Earth, and whoever else controls shit! I owe you one!