Monday, August 22, 2005
If I Were 9 Again
I could go home and watch this:
"Duck Tales" was one of the best cartoons ever. Even though Uncle Scrooge was the stingiest duck in Duckburg, he still loved his nephews and took them on his adventures. If Scrooge was my uncle, I'd be like, "Hey, let's see what's burnin' at the Temple of Doom! And then let's look for those Nazis who want to raid the Lost Ark!" Cause if we did that, I'm pretty sure I'd run into Indiana Jones. And then I could make it look like an accident and say, "Oh! I didn't know you'd be here. So what's up?" I mean, I could have just gone to Boston and taken one of his classes, but I ain't like those flighty hoes. Besides, I'd probably run into "good" Will and he'd ask me if I liked apples and I'd be like, "Shut up and mop the floor you loser!" And then he'd grow wings and fly up to heaven and Alanis Morrisette would be like "I'm God" and I'd be like "No you're not. You're a has-been marginally talented singer who got her start on 'Star Search.'" Then Ed McMahon would come in panicking and crying, "One of our talents cancelled at the last minute! We need a replacement!" And I'd go, "Hey! I'm 9 years old and wearing an American flag t-shirt. I can sing 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'" After belting out my own powerful version of the song, the judges would give me 5 stars and I'd beat the hell out of everyone, but only because my opponent was Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Whatever-Useless-Moron-She's-With-Now and she damn near killed everyone else with her grackle throat spackle. But at least she got revenge on her jerk husband that cheated on her with that rich romance novelist. Everyone knows she's a witch. And when I was 9, I burned witches... when I wasn't watching "Duck Tales."
