PlatKat.com

After spending a pleasant morning at the gym and a lucrative early afternoon playing cards, I thought, Hey, I haven’t had a suicidal thought in nearly a week now. I should really go to Wal-Mart.

I had been meaning to go to Wal-Mart for awhile. Right before I determined that Zoey was an intolerable nuisance and needed to go back to Austin, I bought a 20 lb bag of dog food for her. I didn’t feel like having it around anymore, but I did feel like spending the 13 or so dollars that it cost. So, I stuck it in the Building E shopping cart long ago stolen from the nearby Albertson’s (it’s my store indeed; the shopping carts are at my disposal), and pushed the wobbly-wheeled cart down Showers Drive across the California Street afternoon traffic. I’m sure I made all kinds of friends.

As I weaved through cars and pedestrians, I passed the Goodwill donations truck in an adjacent lot. This made me remember that I still need to donate my old PC. In fact, if I’d had my old PC in tow along with my return merchandise, I would have looked 20% less ghetto. That’s quite a deal when you have mainstream ghetto people eyeballing you as you push your wobbly shopping cart down the bike lane of a busy street.

Sho’ nuff, I was greeted with a huge line for the Customer Service desk at Wal-Mart. I patiently waited behind my comparatively large Albertson’s cart. When I got to the desk, the CSR was quite friendly, asking if the food was stale. I politely informed her that I do not eat dog food, therefore I am not exactly sure why my dog would not consume the product. She and several people nearby (at Wal-Mart, there is never a shortage of people just standing around) laughed disturbingly hard and I got my money back.

I almost spent it all on a pair of off-brand shoes with velcro straps, fondly remembering a friend’s pointless, nonsensical rant about buying some $9 shoes at Wal-Mart and basking in my slovenly submediocrity. But then I decided that orange-colored drinks and gummy candy were more practical purchases. Those shoes were pretty friggin’ sweet though.