PlatKat.com

Your alarm clock flips to 8:00 and begins buzzing. As you roll out of bed, ready to face the hazy California morning, you feel groggy, incomplete. The shave and shower were nice, but your demanding physical system requires more to jumpstart your day. Crawling into your 1992 Honda Civic, you light up a Marlboro Red 100 and suck it down like a cup of coffee. Ahhh, you are truly in flavor country. After successively inhaling a few more of those bad boys, you find yourself pulling into work, smelling like a shady nightclub. What to do? Why, this giant spray bottle of Bod cologne should do the trick…

STOP.

The only thing worse than coming to work smelling like a shady nightclub is coming to work smelling like the runt doorman at a shady nightclub. You can buy ionizers that sit on your dashboard for around $40 at Sharper Image. Now is the time to invest in one.

Many people can come to work after a cigarette and somehow avoid the lingering stench of burnt leaves clinging to every fiber of their clothes and every cell in their skin. You are not one of those people, my friend. Covering yourself in cheap cologne does little to hide this fact. So try to preserve some of your dignity and overall appearance by either a) quitting smoking or b) walking in here smelling like death itself and not giving a flying fuck what anyone thinks about it. Both options will earn you more respect and keep my gag reflex at bay.