PlatKat.com

So yesterday I’m standing in the Jams & Jellies aisle of the Safeway, eyeing the spreadable condiments for the best deal. I’m there for the peanut butter. Oh yes, the peanut butter. I know I want some of that.

Shelved above the peanut butter and next to the jelly is the most ingenious product ever invented. Bearing a label with cartoons of happy fruit and peanuts, proud to be swirled together for the sake of unending deliciousness, this glass jar screams, “I’m Goober and you know you want me.”

I stood in the aisle for a good five minutes, I’m sure. I was already buying peanut butter (’cause sometimes you just want a plain ol’ peanut butter sammich). Did I really need another peanut butter-esque item? But I do have a penchant for foods I can eat straight out of the jar leaving no messy cleanup. I’m not even going to kid myself into thinking I might actually make a sandwich with this stuff. It was going to be spoon-to-mouth or nothing at all. Is this a sign that I’ve truly hit rock bottom? Sitting at home eating a big jar of Goober with a spoon? I haven’t done that since college! Of course not, I concluded. Hitting rock bottom would entail living out of a garbage can and not being able to afford Goober, which I’ll admit, is a bit pricier than the cost of peanut butter and jelly separated in equal amounts. But like Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, the unique tasty flavor and lack of comparable substitutes overrides the reasonably higher price for this item.

Addendum: But not the grape kind displayed here. Strawberry is a far superior flavor of jelly, as it is better than just about any grape-flavored food in the world. Do you drink grape milkshakes? Do you eat the grape Skittles first? Of course not. Because grape is just nasty… unless you’re eating grapes. Or drinking wine.